Monday, January 31, 2005

Because I'm scum

I spent so many hours in that dark space. Too tired to move. Too afraid to stay in bed. The lesser of two evils, I chose to stay wrapped up in that soft warm blackness. Sometimes evil disguises itself as blessed comfort in order to ensnare one.

I’ve been listening to Robbie Williams for quite some time now, and it only recently dawned on me what it meant when he sang “They’re selling razor blades and mirrors in the street.”

Such is my naivety.

I’m not asking for much. Just a little bit of peace of mind. Not chasing down the demons like a run-away train. And banishing those tormented thoughts from my mind. Forever. How can that be asking too much?

Why do they come and wage war in my mind when I have done nothing but turn a blind eye at the outrageous accusations?

So how many more tiny coloured pills do I have to take to unnumb my numbness? How much longer do I stay on these pills which are only killing me inside? Long term use of neuroleptics could lead to tardive dyskinesia. Is it worth it?

I’ve come so far and yet when I look back, it doesn’t seem quite far enough because the demons seemed to have come with me, one step at a time with the patience of a saint. Shadowing my own footsteps.

They are only illusions, I tell myself. Product of a twisted, unsettled mind, nothing more, and it shouldn’t have the power to harm me. Why am I so afraid, backed into a corner and screaming…. Why does it have that element of reality, the power to hurt me?

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m a product of someone else’s imagination and when they begin to dream, that line between imagination and reality becomes blurred. And I am merely a transient creature. Neither here nor there. I’m not unfamiliar with that. That explains the lack of feeling, and that vague sense of anger simmering just below the heart. Anger at a world that does not see me. And despair at having to prove my own existence.

because I’m scum and I’m your son


xxan said...

"Anger at the world that doesn't see me." and "having to prove my own existence". *sigh* You put into words what other people feel. What I feel anyhow. I really admire (and envy) you for the way you can bring your inside to the open. And it's a complicated inside (ask me!)

So, again, your whole text is so beautiful, (and I studied literature here in Belgium so I know ;-),

I can identify with ALL you say. (bed, pills, afraid)

THANK you for formulating what I experience in such a beautiful and intense way...

xxan said...

Polar Bear,

Life IS a struggle, every day. Luckily there are people like you who make this day a bit easier.

Thank you.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

It seems like you're going through such a difficult time...depression, low self-esteem, anger. It sounds like you've had a tough life, already at such a young age. Although I don't know your full story, it sounds like a parent you love is sometimes loving and sometimes cruel. When someone is suppose to care for you and instead they harm you, it is such a crime. You deserve better than how you've been treated. I was first drawn to your sight because of the polar bear logo. You are like that strong polar bear who will overcome this agony of a cold winter. And you will see Spring again. You will see spring. If there is a winter, there's got to be a spring. Hang in there. Praying for you.

james said...

Do you listen to Radiohead? I find a lot of comfort in their music. You should check them out if you have not before. They seem to be a band that creates music for people like us my friend. :-)