Thursday, January 27, 2005

The promise of feelings

So hard to talk about things sometimes. And yet you let me take my time, to talk when I want to, and it’s ok if I don’t.

As I said, my feelings come and go. And sometimes I run away from it all. It’s so much easier than staying with the emotion, to feel the pain, to feel that physical wrench in my heart. And yet you want me to.

It’s hard to talk about feelings when you spend so much time trying not to feel, trying to control what is ultimately an untameable beast. Trying to be ok, when you know inside that it is not.

Sadness. Sadness can be so powerful. Sadness clouds your thinking, steals away the colours so you only see the unending pitch blackness. Sadness takes away so much from you and yet promises a hope that death could end it all.

Then there is anger. Anger that is never directed to the person it should be. I cannot allow that. For me, anger ends with sadness too, because it strips away all happiness and leaves me in a dark place. Anger is so much more dangerous for me because it has a violence that permeates all other emotions.

Do you really want me to go there?


xxan said...

Hi Polar Bear,

About your comment on "the genes". I agree for 100% about everything. Me too, I doubt I would have been a good parent. Probably yes, a lóving parent, but not always available and stress-resistent...

And me too, I had the wrong example at home, having a father who was not capable of "being there" for us when needed.

Polar Bear, can I ask you how old you are, because you sound very mature to me.


xxan said...

Polar Bear,

I read your beautiful text. About the sadness: for me sadness is different. If I feel sad, it's a good sign. If I feel sad, it means I'm not in dispair, not in too much pain. Sadness can be soothing sometimes. For me sadness is a "soft" feeling, as opposed to deep depression, dispair, pain, wanting to die,...

I feel quite safe when I'm feeling sad, it's like a soft, light blanket, covering me, and I know I will see the colours again soon.

As for me, sadness is also a "normal" feeling that everyone has sometimes, also our "healthy" companions.

Yet, I have, like you, my beast to tame...

xxan said...

Polar Bear, what do you mean exactly by "BPD"?
Here in Belgium we use "BPD" for Bipolar Disorder. Did you mean the same thing?

Franikins said...

BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. It is characterized by:

"A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and
marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated
by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or
self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating
between extremes of idealization and devaluation

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,
substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating
behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,
irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper,
constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms"

I hope this information is helpful. Sorry for the long comment.