Monday, February 21, 2005

All or nothing and balance

"It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people, and the only thing is to face it." - W. Somerset Maugham

It’s true. Just as sometimes people grow out of me, I find that sometimes, I grow out of people. It’s a hideous concept. But there it is.

I used to be one of those people who hung on to people, so afraid of being abandoned. I still feel that way a lot, but I think as I grow older, I grow more resigned to these things. Sometimes you just don’t have the energy to cultivate the kinds of relationships that take so much out of you. It feels like some people suck you dry.

I’ve always struggled between the need for people and the need to be self sufficient. I like my independence, my space. Sometimes it’s all I crave. But sometimes that space expands in ever widening circles until the sheer enormity of empty space swallows my entire world. I don’t think that’s good for me either.

I think, as in everything else, I need balance. My whole hearted desire to throw everything I’ve got into that one passion or that one person, or that one thing, is just too much. It’s too intense, too energy sapping. No one can possibly be expected to maintain that kind of crazed lunacy for any significant amount of time. All these, of course, explain my burn outs, my crashes into the abyss.

I’ve been on an increased Seroquel dose (300mg) for 4 days now. I think it has settled me somewhat.

But it is still so hard. How do you maintain balance with a mind that knows no boundaries? How do I define my own boundaries when I do not really know myself, or where I stand? How do I get to know someone without my need of blending so entirely into them? How do I survive my long lonely vigils deep into the night when the horrors surround me and I cannot bear to be alone?


Franikins said...
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Bipolar Creative said...

I have no answers for you. I remember a shrink I had once practically tearing his hair out, saying, "Balance! Balance! You must learn balance!"

I hated that word. To me, "balance" was a one-way ticket to mediocrity.

I am just learning these things as well. All I can say is that your post really resonated with me and I seem to be just where you are most of the time. Take care.

james said...

"I’ve always struggled between the need for people and the need to be self sufficient. I like my independence, my space." This is well said. I often go through this dilema. Should I go off and live alone in a cabin or should I stay amongst the population? I seriously think about this on a regular basis. Hang in there.