Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Dear doc

Dear doc,

Sometimes, we have to let go of certain things.

You know what, doc? I used to think that I was the biggest loser God ever made. I used to think I didn’t deserve any better and I strived hard to prove that. I was only good at self destruction. And believe me, I have self destructed in spectacular ways.

It's been so long since we parted company. I know my letters have become fewer and far in between. But it doesn't mean that the pain has gone away. I keep the hurts inside, perhaps buried deep. But it's still there, doc. I doubt it will ever go away. I know I will always carry the baggage around like it's a treasure chest.

But I think that with the passing of time, a certain kind of resignation creeps in and settles in the heart. It used to physically hurt. Now, it’s merely an ache. I hurt over more recent matters, my most present nightmares.

Most times these days, I don't know what to say anymore. The words begin to fail me even as I stumble through trying to understand the despair. Life goes on, doc. Life goes on. What else can I say?

Sometimes I feel like this is all just a dream. That I will wake up to it. Sometimes I do, doc. I wake up and realize the horror of it all is just a dream. But my life blends with the nightmares. After a while, I have to wonder if anything is real at all. But sometimes I can't wake up to it. And I bear the consequences like a weight upon my shoulders. And I would plead to die, if only it were that easy. But I can't close my eyes to the racing in my chest, to the lack of air, the choking sensation growing from the pit of my gut. All that, just so I can wake up one more day and cry the same old tears.

We all do things we regret don't we, doc? Let me ask you a question - how do you redeem yourself?

I don't see the boundaries, doc, and so sometimes, I cross them. Sometimes the danger drives me on. I am reckless, cruel and mean. I've seen all the misery I have caused. I pay my debts with every single breath I draw. And it pains me, doc. But I guess life isn’t meant to be free. It ties you down, demands payment at a cost of more than you could ever afford.

I was on the verge of finding the truth. In dying, perhaps I could have forgiven myself. And yet, I think even death rejected me.

Just me,
Polar Bear

9 comments:

Franikins said...

Polar Bear,

I don't understand why you are still having self destructive urges while on medicine. Or the lows and depressions. Is the pdoc trying other combinations of medicines to help alleviate those thoughts? I know it's more complicated than pharmaceuticals but it seems that drug therapy should produce a better mood and thoughts. I'm not being critical. I'm just trying to understand.

Polar Bear said...

Franikins,
It's good you asked. I've been wondering as well.

But I'm not surprised really. Things went pretty well for me when the pdoc switched me from Risperidone to Seroquel. At least Seroquel was helping me sleep and keeping my hallucinations at bay.

I'm not surprised that the effectiveness of the meds have lessened over the months. I can either go up to a higher dose or switch meds again. Neither choices are something I prefer.

Why? I'm terrified of getting tardive dyskinesia one day.

As for anti depressants, my current pdoc feels that I don't need them. He says my "depression" should be worked through in therapy. I neither agree nor disagree. In any case, I prefer not to have too many meds anyway.

Franikins said...

Thanks for the honest answer. Although the pdoc says the depression should be worked out through therapy, the question is "Is it really being worked out through therapy?" If the answer is "no" then a new plan would seem to be in order to me. Perhaps a change in therapy, such as the addition of another type of therapy, or a change in medications. I hear you on wanting to keep the number of prescriptions down as well as the dosage.

The reason I say this is that I just have a fear of one of my blogger pals hurting themselves and then me having to deal with the loss. I know that sounds selfish, and it is. I also don't like to see other people in pain and drowning in a sea of hopelessness. Been there. Done that. I just want the best for people, and that means you too. And if something isn't working, then it means it's time to reassess the treatment and then make appropriate adjustments. Then reassess again.

I'm such a mother hen. I just want to see you do well and for me to avoid situations that would most certainly bring me down because I care about you and what happens to you.

Please pass me a tissue. And I'm not even PMSing.

Bipolar Creative said...

Dear Polar Bear, your post breaks my heart. I hope that you can find whatever answers are in the medications ... and yourself. That self-destructiveness can be such an unbearable hell.

Thank you for visiting my blog, by the way.

Franikins said...

Not to worry Polar Bear. You're not bringing me down. I am just losing my focus/boundaries and suffering from a bad head cold which might be a sinus infection. That throws me off balance and makes me more sensitive. I don't do well with loss, abandonment, and death. And hanging out with bloggers who could potentially harm themselves just got to me today.

I hope you will keep on expressing yourself the way you are doing, especially if you find it helpful for yourself. Pay me no nevermind except to know that I do care about you. Every life that touches another life has an impact on it and vice versa. Nobody is ever truly alone or an island in and of himself or herself. I'm feeling a little John Donne-ish here but he makes a valid point.

You matter. So please find out if there's other alternatives to your current treatment regimen if it's not working, ie keeping you here and grounded. no pun intended ;-)

Yuki said...

Dear Polar Bear,

Please do not harm yourself, I beg. You are too valuable! Like the Eagles Song, "You better let somebody love you before it's too late" comes to mind. I hope that you can feel and let in the love & care that us bloggers (Franklins, Xxan, the others and I) have for you. May your tears be dried and your pain comforted by the love of God who made a wonderful human being...you! And He made you with creative talents, ability and strength. He made you because He believes in you. I think if God was here instead of me, He would blog to you and say that He loves you and cares about you sooo immensely and that He hurts so bad for the pain you feel inside. I think He would say that it rips Him up inside and that He died in your place 2000 years ago so that you could have forgiveness of ALL your wrongdoing and have a life that's forgiven and started over again! Just ask Him to forgive you and He will. Just ask Him to make your life new and He will. Just ask Him to fill your heart with hope and His love and He will.

I hope I'm not preaching now. I just want to share with you the love that God has for you the way I know how. To give you hope and comfort because it's the only way I know how. It's what helps me. Of course, you are entitled to your own opinion and your own choices and I NEVER would push that on you. I just want to let you know that I care and let me know if it's too preachy.

Love, Yuki

Yuki said...

Dear Polar Bear,

Please do not harm yourself, I beg. You are too valuable! Like the Eagles Song, "You better let somebody love you before it's too late" comes to mind. I hope that you can feel and let in the love & care that us bloggers (Franklins, Xxan, the others and I) have for you. May your tears be dried and your pain comforted by the love of God who made a wonderful human being...you! And He made you with creative talents, ability and strength. He made you because He believes in you. I think if God was here instead of me, He would blog to you and say that He loves you and cares about you sooo immensely and that He hurts so bad for the pain you feel inside. I think He would say that it rips Him up inside and that He died in your place 2000 years ago so that you could have forgiveness of ALL your wrongdoing and have a life that's forgiven and started over again! Just ask Him to forgive you and He will. Just ask Him to make your life new and He will. Just ask Him to fill your heart with hope and His love and He will.

I hope I'm not preaching now. I just want to share with you the love that God has for you the way I know how. To give you hope and comfort because it's the only way I know how. It's what helps me. Of course, you are entitled to your own opinion and your own choices and I NEVER would push that on you. I just want to let you know that I care and let me know if it's too preachy.

Love, Yuki

xxan said...

Dear Polar Bear,

As you know, I'm bipolar and I know what you mean. I have to go back in time a little bit though, during my last stay in hospital. I really don't remember the names of ALL the meds I took.(Don't want to know), but I was in a deep depression and suicidal. And psychotic. So they gave me anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers, and tranquillizers. Actually I was so unhappy in that clinic that I was half-dead. So if you say that life can tie us down, I experienced it all too well. And me too, I saw a solution in dying. Was only too much a coward to do it.

That was the PAST.

I don't know, Polar Bear, how long you have been dealing with your depression but THINGS CAN CHANGE. I'll have to be short, but I got out of the horrible hospital, I got a professional pdoc, who systematically and carefully looked into my meds. Cut out the ones I don't needed, replaced the ones that didn't work (enough). All of course in "tryal and error". Pdoc doesn't have a crystal
ball.This process took some time, but now I'm relatively well.

NOW I'm still having ups and downs, but I'm not suicidal anymore. And I can handle my life better than I used to. As well in the highs as in the lows. I'm ranting, sorry:

1) Finding the right meds can take a long time: please believe in it.

2) What helped me most, lately, is the fact that I accepted pdoc to give me an anti-depressant. (I was against it for years...)

3) as the other commenters: me too, I care about you, and keep on telling us how you feel. I'll get better. I went through it, believe me.

Xxan

Polar Bear said...

Franikins, Bipolar C, Yuki, Xxan:

Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I'm a bit overwhelmed, actually, by your reactions to my post. I never thought it mattered much whether I am one way or the other.

Your comments and your "cheerleading" is really helping me feel better. It means a lot to me that you are all out there somewhere, sharing as well, your experiences with me.

Thank you
Polar Bear