Sometimes, we have to let go of certain things.
You know what, doc? I used to think that I was the biggest loser God ever made. I used to think I didn’t deserve any better and I strived hard to prove that. I was only good at self destruction. And believe me, I have self destructed in spectacular ways.
It's been so long since we parted company. I know my letters have become fewer and far in between. But it doesn't mean that the pain has gone away. I keep the hurts inside, perhaps buried deep. But it's still there, doc. I doubt it will ever go away. I know I will always carry the baggage around like it's a treasure chest.
But I think that with the passing of time, a certain kind of resignation creeps in and settles in the heart. It used to physically hurt. Now, it’s merely an ache. I hurt over more recent matters, my most present nightmares.
Most times these days, I don't know what to say anymore. The words begin to fail me even as I stumble through trying to understand the despair. Life goes on, doc. Life goes on. What else can I say?
Sometimes I feel like this is all just a dream. That I will wake up to it. Sometimes I do, doc. I wake up and realize the horror of it all is just a dream. But my life blends with the nightmares. After a while, I have to wonder if anything is real at all. But sometimes I can't wake up to it. And I bear the consequences like a weight upon my shoulders. And I would plead to die, if only it were that easy. But I can't close my eyes to the racing in my chest, to the lack of air, the choking sensation growing from the pit of my gut. All that, just so I can wake up one more day and cry the same old tears.
We all do things we regret don't we, doc? Let me ask you a question - how do you redeem yourself?
I don't see the boundaries, doc, and so sometimes, I cross them. Sometimes the danger drives me on. I am reckless, cruel and mean. I've seen all the misery I have caused. I pay my debts with every single breath I draw. And it pains me, doc. But I guess life isn’t meant to be free. It ties you down, demands payment at a cost of more than you could ever afford.
I was on the verge of finding the truth. In dying, perhaps I could have forgiven myself. And yet, I think even death rejected me.