Thursday, February 24, 2005


All I remember is that on Tuesday, you stayed with me. You could have gone home. In fact, you didn’t have to do anything for me after we talked. But you walked with me over to see him. And then you stayed waiting.

You spent at least 2 hours with me. Do you have loved ones at home waiting for you? I imagine you do. But I won’t ask because I know it is inappropriate. In fact, I don’t know if I want to know. Knowing you have a family somewhere out there makes me feel even more insignificant. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. And knowing that you have a family makes you more human. Right now, you are not just a human, you are a super-human. Everyone is vulnerable, but not you. You are super-woman. At least that’s how I see it.

I know it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We’ve talked about this. I should know.

I’d say that you know me damn well. Can you read minds?

I remember you asking me on Tuesday if my being afraid of someone following me was reasonable. I didn’t know what to say. My reality is so different from yours. Would you understand if I explained it? It sounds mad even to me. Do you really want to know? I guess I owe it to you to explain. Because you don’t just listen to what I have to say, but you pick up the cues. You know what I mean – and you put it back to me so that I recognize myself.

I hope you can help me. It sounds pathetic, but I really hope you do. I don’t know how you do it, but you give me little pieces of me which I have lost through the years. You find these little “missing” pieces and you give them back to me, and that makes me feel really good.

Thank you so much. I’ll have the strength as long as I know you are there.


xxan said...

Thanks for your comment: However, my pdoc is a very professional and highly documented one, so I trust him, so if he reassures me that I should not fear physical defects, I believe him. I take Seroquel for an anti-psychotic. 300 mg/day. What do you take for an anti-psychotic?

Be well,


james said...

Glad I could introduce you to Hunter S. Thompson, Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo (They are the same people if you haven't already guessed). Anyhoo, if you're new to HST then I suggest you read his book, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" staight away. It'll be one hell ova trip!!

james said...

Let the mind wander and see where it goes and then bring it back to whatever you are doing. It is hard but it is the best way to peace and happiness that I have found. Interesting that you brought up DBT therapy. I was looking into that while I was in the hospital recently.

Yuki said...

Glad there's someone there with you to walk through this difficult time with. Thanks for your posts. I really appreciate it. Polar Bear, I'm slightly confused about your identity. You don't need to answer on your blog or mine if you don't feel comfortable. I am just wondering if you are male or female and approximate age. For some reason I thought you were a 17 year old male. I may have been reading someone else's blog. But, I know you can't be that age because you used to teach. Help me be unconfused so I can properly visualize you as I write, if you don't mind. Thanks a bunch! Still praying for you! Love, Yuki

Yuki said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Polar Bear,
Glad to see you posting again. I have a question...when you are writing to "you"...who is that? It's just a little confusing to read. Not that any of my ramblings are coherant!!! My blog has moved:
Take care!

Polar Bear said...

Thanks Xxan, Yuki and James, for your comments.

Yuki - 17 year old male? Hee hee. Not even close.
More like a 31 year old female :)

Shannin, thanks for the new URL. I will update my bookmarks.

Yuki said...

That's funny! Wow, was I off! That's great because I'm a 30 year old female! We have more in common than I thought!

Polar Bear said...


You asked who the "you" refers to? In different entries, they may refer to different people. Sometimes I find it therapeutic to write to these people to get things I really want to say to them but have no courage to actually say it in person.

The "you" in this particular entry refers to my psychologist/t.

xxan said...

Hey Polar Bear,
I stumbled on your comment here or there about hospital stays. I know you're not fond of them either. Like me.
But what you told us there that you couldn't wear your own clothes, that you had to wear, I forgot the word, "night gownies"? I didn't know what I was hearing?! And then having to do things to "earn back" your clothes!?
I have never ever heard a thing like that. It is outrageous and offensive. And sooooo humiliating. What on earth did they want to achieve in doing so?

Really scandalous.

I'm so glad you are out of the hospitals now and that you can slowly build up your life again.

Be well