Sometimes light touches darkness, and then the world becomes brighter and the shadows seep slowly away.
I imagine you are like that light, and I am the dark dweller who draws the shadows about me. But when our worlds meet, I see for the first time how there are some things that may be possible, attainable, even by me. And sometimes, you draw me out so I could see my own face and come to know that I’m not such a bad hideous person at all.
We all try so hard, and fail as many times. It’s difficult to see the little things that matter. The little things that keeps me going from one day to the next.
I saw V yesterday. Trying to recall the weekend and explain how I felt on Saturday afternoon when everything was a struggle brought back all the pain that felt like a ton of bricks had landed on my head. I tried so hard to hold it altogether, but in the end the feelings beat me again. I broke down. V was understanding about it. She spoke softly as I struggled to close the floodgates.
Too much fear and too much sadness. I just couldn’t talk about it without crying. So I stopped talking at all. I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and she understood.
Later, she would talk to pdoc about increasing my Seroquel dose. I remain doubtful that a higher dose will help. But who knows. I’ve just got to give it a try.