Friday, February 04, 2005

Love abandoned: The borderline legacy

I come from a cold barren land where you first abandoned me.

Within me, I still carry the seed you planted, the one you didn't know would grow into a tumour and poison me. I see it destroy my life and everyone around me, more and more each day. From the harsh critical words pouring out my mouth to the tone of voice inflected with a sourceless hatred, I sense your legacy. I hear the echo of your voice.

At night, I begin to recognize you among the Black Dogs. One moment you are you, the next moment, you are slinking into the darkness with those bastards on four legs.

Yet I love you like I love them all.

I begin to brew the same poisonous potions of love you once held the secret recipe for. I reflect the same contradictory love you once reserved specially for me.

Perhaps you meant for me to die. Perhaps you meant to make me a greater person than I could ever be. I could never tell. But I cultivated a stubbornness you would resent me for. Ironically, a stubbornness that protected me against you, and later, against the clumsy swings of Death.

I come from a cold barren land where you first abandoned me.....


moodymicello said...

Perhaps she did not have what you call the stubboroness. You might think about it as persistence and strength...even the will to survive and overcome. It is sad that all people are not born with that. I believe it is a part ot the spirit of the individual and some spirits are frail. I do not make excuses but only offer a possible reason, perhaps she was a frail soul. But it is a lonely universe to travel when you are abandoned,for you never forget it.

xxan said...

Polar Bear, you write so beautifully, so poetically, you should publish your writings.

Sorry, I can't say more, because I don't know the whole story (don't have to know), except that you should stick to your protective stubbornness.

Stubbornness = strenght

macceroni said...

Nice Blog!!! do you think you can comment on my blog at PLEASE AND THANKYOU!

xxan said...

Polar Bear,
Thank you for your comment on my "psychoses-blog". I am indeed doing better than at that time.

I'm so distracted, forgive me, I forgot what your diagnoses is, is it Borderline?

I would like to say something that could help you, but I can't seem to find the words. And your words are so beautiful... Are you referring to a lost love (you don't have to tell me, if you'd rather not)

xxan said...

Polar Bear,
I think your health care system is even better than ours. ARe you saying that you pay only 15$ for any med? And that this 15$ are enough for 1 month's supply? My med bills are much higher. And then they tell us we have the best system... Liars...

This is indeed very favourable.

Moreover, as I explained, the government does not cover everything, you have to have a supplementary private insurence to have full coverage. I have that and it is not so expensive.

But, you're right, we're much better of than the Americans.

Polar Bear, I didn't realize you are SO FAR from us:-))

Polar Bear said...

Michele - I guess you could look at it as persistence and strength. It's hard to see that positive light within yourself, though. I so often go down the road of condemnation.

Xxan - thanks. About the health care, yes, $15 for most prescription drugs for about a month, sometimes up to 3 months (depends on how your doctor writes the prescription. I've added my comments about this to your blog.