This was my journal entry from Sept 24, 2003, and one of the many letters I wrote to doc.
I find myself writing to you again – do you still remember me from time to time?
How many years has it been? It still tears me apart. I’ve been learning though. I’m still around, still struggling. I haven’t come out the other side, and I’m no longer young. I don’t believe I’ll ever see you again, but I’m slowly learning to accept that now. Things go on. Things evolve. People die and people move on. You lose things, you lose people, you lose good feelings, you lose good memories. You lose and you lose and you lose. One day you just look back and you see a big nothing.
Fact of life. All that crap.
I’ve learnt nothing and I’ve learnt everything, all at once. I’ve learnt to keep my head down and my eyes downcast. I’ve come full circle to the degraded loser I already was born to be. I hated, then learnt and tried not to hate because of you, and now I am back to hating.
Was it just destiny I was fighting?
Was it futile, just as it naturally would have been?