Monday, February 07, 2005

Passage of time

I wanted to simply disappear. I wish I could have. Maybe I even wish I did.

But I played out my responsibilities this weekend. I was a good-honest-to-god-girl this weekend. Which only leaves me feeling vague, empty and listless.

It’s hard to know why I bother. It’s hard to know why I’m still here. There was a time when I had dreams. Perhaps they’ve faded away with time, perhaps they were buried by the shards of broken aspirations. Maybe I’m just older now, more jaded because I’ve seen too many things I should never have, tried too many remedies that never worked for me.

Being alone in this world, trapped and lost within this vast shapeless landscape,… that wears a person down. It takes little bits and pieces of you soul, sucks you slowly dry of the enthusiasm, hope and courage you might have once had.

Was I that young once? Was I so blinded by empty promises?


xxan said...

Dear Polar Bear,
You are so right about hospitals: being locked in in a small (mostly depressing) building together with other persons that are feeling "unwell" to put it euphemistically, is depressing in itself.

However, my FIRST experience in hospital was OK: it gave me rest and peace, and I hadn't discovered the disadvantages yet :)

xxan said...

Polar Bear, I think that NZ and nót Belgium has the best Social Security System in the world. (They are trying to make us believe things, I think)

15$ enough for you supply for a month: that is incredibly favourable! (How many meds are you on?)

I have here beside me the ticket from the pharmacist from today: it's 139 € (some 108 $) for (more than) 1 month's supply. There is however 1 med that the government does NOT RECOGNIZE YET as being a med for Bipolars. So that med alone costs 83$. The other meds are not expensive.

Does anyone know if Lamictal is recognized as a med for Bipolar Disorder in America/Canada?

Take care, Polar Bear!!

xfallen_angel14x said...

thanks so much for your comment!!

you're absolutely right, feeling alone can make a person feel so awful. you begin to lost all hope.

actually, i'm not on any medications because i refuse to let my parents see this side of me. they're always bugging me to be perfect... if they were to find out that i had some problems of my own... well, i wouldn't want to be there when that happened. i don't want them to hurt.

i've seen my guidance councilor at school a couple of times, and he's told me that i might have chronic depression... but he's not sure. he can't do tests on me without my parent's permission.. and i won't give him permission to ask them. it's pretty much an ongoing process.

i don't know why, but it makes me feel just a little better seeing that people know what i go through, no matter what age. thank you.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to ask someone who was borderline about something that has me very confused.Someone who has BPD told me I was too negative about certain people,she said that all people are basically good,except for me that is.Can a person with BPD be so positive and like everybody,and can a person with BPD be too angry and too negative.

Polar Bear said...

Xxan - That's a lot to pay for medication. I think if I had to pay that much, I might not take them at all. As far as I know, Lamictal is a recognized med for Bipolar.

xFallenAngelx - I'm glad you are at least talking to your guidance counsellor. I understand you want to keep this from your parents. But I think sometimes you have to look after yourself first. Do what you need to do, and see how your parents react. You might be surprised.

Anonymous - There is a Borderline tendency to see things as "all good" or "all bad". So I suppose your friend might be displaying this characteristic when she says that all people are basically good. I think there was a time when I thought that way too - that all people are good. But after seeing the atrocities that some human beings are capable of, I'm no longer so sure. I'm tempted to see some people as essentially bad. But the truth is, I think most of the time, people are both good and bad, depending on circumstances.

xxan said...

Polar Bear, if you look at your own blogs (I mean in such beautiful and almost poetic language, and if you look at the many (!) comments you get every time, I wonder if this cannot be a consolation for you. Knowing that a lot of people care about you. Knowing that you have such a beautiful inside. I hope, maybe, this appreciation you get, can give you some (maybe a little) reason to "be here".

Maybe this doesn't really help you when I say this, but, you could easily publish your writings. They're that good.