Friday, March 25, 2005

Devoid of life

Not much to say, really. It’s the start of a 5 day weekend for me. Feels like eternity stretching out.

In some ways I am relieved at not having to wake up and go to work and pretend to live a life worth living. But in other ways, the time that stretches out ahead feels so empty and devoid of … well, life. Devoid of life.

V and I talked about a life worth living yesterday. She truly believes I can achieve this. I asked her how would she know. I can’t remember what she said. I don’t remember much sometimes. It’s like a part of my brain shuts down. And then my body starts to believe it wants to shut down too.

I don’t really want to think about the things I can do this weekend. I just want to hide away from the world for a while, even though I know it won’t do me any good. And maybe tomorrow when the pool is open, I will go for a swim and a run. That’s the only thing I’d be remotely interested in. I want to swim laps and run hard. It’s my way of abusing this body of mine. Maybe then all the emotions swirling around my head will disappear from the sheer exhaustion.


Franikins said...

I was just noticing that "devoid" and "avoid" and "void" are very similar and related.

Do you think there's something to that? I think I see a connection.

I hope that you have a good weekend and I am thankful that you are able to work and have a job to have time off.

The Mass Defective said...

I can certainly relate to the "can't remember much sometimes". I'm seriously considering bringing paper & a pen to my next T visit so I know what we talked about.

I do hope you are able to get out of the house at least a few times on your extended weekend. And if you do any swimming and/or running, try not to overdo it and push yourself too hard. Take care of you!

Jennynyc said...

I have Good Friday off, and the "long" weekend feels ominous at the same time as it does feel like a treat.

I found you on EJ's blog. Come visit me on my swim blog or my depression blog if you like and we can be blog friends.

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Polar Bear said...

Franikins - yes they are connected I think. "Void" meaning space. 'de-void' meaning without space, and 'a-void' giving space?

Sid - yup, I was out of the house, but not exactly running and swimming. Wish I had been though!

jennynyc - Thanks Jenny. I'll see you at your blog.

Fern Canyon man nope doesn't seem to work. Thanks for the thought though.