Not much to say, really. It’s the start of a 5 day weekend for me. Feels like eternity stretching out.
In some ways I am relieved at not having to wake up and go to work and pretend to live a life worth living. But in other ways, the time that stretches out ahead feels so empty and devoid of … well, life. Devoid of life.
V and I talked about a life worth living yesterday. She truly believes I can achieve this. I asked her how would she know. I can’t remember what she said. I don’t remember much sometimes. It’s like a part of my brain shuts down. And then my body starts to believe it wants to shut down too.
I don’t really want to think about the things I can do this weekend. I just want to hide away from the world for a while, even though I know it won’t do me any good. And maybe tomorrow when the pool is open, I will go for a swim and a run. That’s the only thing I’d be remotely interested in. I want to swim laps and run hard. It’s my way of abusing this body of mine. Maybe then all the emotions swirling around my head will disappear from the sheer exhaustion.