Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Follow the money, not the heart

Stability. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. So much of my life has been spent trying to achieve that. And yet it is so elusive.

Some people will tell me that life is all about change, that there is no certainty in life but change (and perhaps death). Others will tell me that nothing is permanent, not even when promises are made and certain guarantees are perceived to be true. It all means the same thing. Some time, soon, somehow, there will be changes.

I believe that there are unwelcomed changes, and there are welcomed changes. I’ve had my share of both. But through all the years, I think I grow more resistant to change. It’s harder to adapt to change and I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore.

The hardest part to change is the loss. The loss of something. Loss of people, loss of relationships, loss of familiarity. As I say, it just gets harder.

Ask me how many countries I have lived in within a span of 15 years. Four. Ask me how many cities or towns I have lived in. Six.

Am I a product of my generation’s restless ways? My parents differ in the way they became their occupation. Worked the same job from the moment they stepped out of college to the day they finally retired. I see the value in that – the way they could set down roots and bring up a family. We lived in the same house for 17 years, until I (younger of two siblings) was ready to head to college and they sold the house to move into a smaller place.

Stability and setting down roots is important to me. It’s especially important to someone whose emotional and mental world is so volatile. Every time there are major changes to my life, chaos follows. I spiral downwards. I act out in ways that test boundaries in an effort to find my place in some place unfamiliar. It takes at least a year or two to really settle down. And based on my track record, right around the time I uproot and start the process all over again.

It’s downright exhausting. But sometimes, it’s something I have to do.

I don’t really want to end this chapter of my life. I’m not ready this time. But in 5 months, I will be out of my job. And finding something else in Smallville that will enable me to maintain my lifestyle really doesn’t look good. I don’t want to move to Wellington, or Auckland, either. I don’t have the stomach for big cities anymore, which is surprising for a city girl like me.

I guess I’ve changed.

1 comment:

The Mass Defective said...

I agree with you about growing more resistant to change as the years pass. I used to move every six months and thoroughly enjoyed it, seemed like a new start each time. But I too am now looking for a stability that I'm not sure exists.

I think the borderline in us prevents us from being stable, in any area of our lives. Until we can take control of the BPD, we'll continue to live with the chaos of change. Not sure if that's necessarily true, and I often hope it's not, but it's just how I feel right now.

Good luck with the job hunt. I do hope you find something you'll enjoy, or at least be able to tolerate. Is it possible for you to live on the outskirts of a city and commute in for a job?

Take care!