Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Intensive Care Unit

Well. What have I got to say for myself. I wish I could say nothing. I wish I could say I had a great weekend and everything was hunky-dory.

I can’t give anyone a reason why I did it although a few people have asked me. The big WHY. Why does anyone do something like this? I don’t know. Why do I put myself through something like this? I don’t know. I don’t know.

I took a fairly massive overdose on Saturday. Spent 3 days in Intensive Care, at least 36 hours on life support. All I remember is waking up in Intensive Care and C was there. People telling me to keep breathing, listening to the ventilator do the job for me and thinking – if I held my breath, would I fade away? People telling me to keep breathing, yelling at me to tell me where I was, as if I was deaf when all I was doing was ignoring them. I didn’t want to keep breathing. I was in a state of peace – the kind of peace I seek so desperately when I am living. Close my eyes and fade away. If only it was that easy.

While I was on the ventilator, I couldn’t speak because of the tube down my throat. The first thing I wrote when I was given a pen and paper was “I’m sorry”. But I don’t think C bought it. I don’t think I bought it either.

Why?

When I was finally discharged the hard questions came. Why. C wanted to know. D wanted to know. And I couldn’t answer them. I was fine the day before. Just the day before, everyone told me I sounded upbeat, positive, as if the long weekend was not a problem at all. I was going to go swimming, running. I was going to rent movies. Yes. I had such great plans. Plans that toppled over with one single act. Did I even see it coming? No. No. I didn’t see it coming. It was a wilful act on my part, yes, but I didn’t see it coming. Honest.

D called me last night. He sounded so disappointed in me, his voice was all flat and empty. Why? I don’t think I’ve ever heard him this way before. I felt so bad. I wanted to tell him it wouldn’t happen again. I wanted to tell him I’m sorry. More than anything else I wanted to reassure him that I wouldn’t do such a thing again. But those words echoed in my mind and I couldn’t say it because I no longer trust myself either. There was a point in time when I said those things, perhaps even meant it, but I broke those promises over and over and over again. I can’t bring myself to say it anymore. Even if I did, he would have said to me “You said that the last time”.

Why?

I went in to see V yesterday for an extra session, just to talk things through. It felt good. But I still couldn’t give a reason. Why. What led up to it. What was my trigger point. We talked about how this has affected me. How it hasn’t really changed anything except that it had given me that brief but wonderful feeling of peace as my heart battled to keep me alive. Was it worth it? Is one moment of peace worth all the heartache that would come later and was it worth the risk? If you’ve led a life of emptiness and numbness and all you ever craved was one moment of peace – would you think it was worth it?

I’m not a gambling woman, but playing my cards, I was the only one who knew I had an ace. Do I think it was worth it? Was it worth the risk when losing only meant a permanent kind of peace?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Polar Bear,

Im glad your o.k now.That must have been a terrifying experience,your very lucky.
Maybe someone up there is looking out for you.

Sandy said...

Hi,

When I suggested hospitalization for my client 10 days ago, it was because she had a week off coming up and I knew she was going to be alone, without distractions for a week. I don't know if that is what led to this experience for you...but I imagine being alone would be hard for someone with bpd. Swirling emotions...

I'm glad you're safe.

Peace...

izzy said...

I have no idea who you are, but I'm glad you're still alive.

butterflies said...

Ive never read your blog before but as I read the ITU post,then the post before that,I can see your depression was coming.
Take care and watch out for those signs.Depression is horrible but exersize is good.And next time you feel like killing yourself,call someone or email me.Email addy on my blog!!

butterflies said...

OH..by the way? are you a kiwi? where are you from?

Manica said...

Glad you are still with us. I understand completely the feeling of nothingness when in the hospital, when you are not even aware that you "are".

Even in your depression you managed to send off an encouraging comment to a fellow "whack job" and for that I'm thankful. I won't say hang in there 'cause that's really friggin annoying, but a similar sentiment to you.

xxan said...

Dear Polar Bear,
I have been away for some time too. Up and down depressed. Thank you so much for your comment. You are such a kind person. I read what happened to you. I am so sorry. "Close my eyes and fade away. If only it was that easy." I understand well what you mean. But I think that we, you too, will always have better moments too, that we do sports, that you do thriatlon, that you feel better. Courage!

borderline savvy said...

Polar Bear,
I have read some of your comments on The Mass Defective's blog. I am glad you are alive. There's an old story around that goes like this: Imagine that there is a ring floating in the middle of the ocean. Imagine that there is a turtle who sticks his head up out of the water once every 100 years. Now imagine the odds of the turtle coming up out of the water in the middle of the ring. That's how rare a human life is.

So you don't know what the trigger was. Hell, it could have been the bottle of pills itself. I've got BPD and I know what a wave of deep depression can do, and that it can come out of the blue. Blue. Play on words. Anyway, do you have a reason to live? Can you identify a reason or reasons that you want to live? Maybe you could work on that in case another wave hits you and you dive for peace into a bottle of pills.

You know, you're probably only alive because you are in such good shape physically. I guess you know that. But I am very glad that you are alive. I want to read another post that you write. Look at the people who have commented on your event, and say how glad they are you are alive. But you've got to find your own reasons for wanting to be alive. Come visit my new blog. Right now, and I mean right now, I am doing fine. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm glad you have a t to talk to. I'm glad you got debriefed.

When you feel like talking, come and visit me. I'd welcome a Polar Bear with a ring around its neck with open arms.

xxan said...

Me again :-) Thanks again for your insightful and kind comment. You are always a great support to me. Because I know you are so honest. Honest, sensitive and intelligent.

I wish you a good and restful recovery from the terrible thing you went through. I do care about you! Please take care of yourself...
Courage!
Xxan

Mau's Brain said...

"come on be alive again, don't lay down and die" Courtney Love