Monday, March 14, 2005

Second triathlon and the race of life

March. And the days keep unspooling. Changes are in the air. I can feel the buzz, hear the hum of it in the air. I can feel the vibrations of unwanted things to come. Why must this be so? There are no answers. The world issues a certain statement, of which we live by. Sometimes it is just too hard.

I should be happy and proud and self satisfied. I did another triathlon over the weekend. Conquered the water much better than I did the first time. Aside from having to battle the headwind during the bike leg, the race went perfectly as planned. True, a lot of preparation and training had gone into this performance. But I have no words of praise or self congratulatory sentiments for myself. It seems I have wiped clean my vocabulary in that area.

I continue to feel a certain hollowness, a sort of anxious emptiness in the pit of my gut. And turmoil in my head over the necessary changes that have already been foreseen.

The “why” questions keep echoing through my mind. I cannot seem to comprehend the things that must merely be so. This incomprehension is not unlike the times past in school when four to the power of root five equals a certain number. I would ask why, and the teacher would berate me. It’s simply so, I was told. And I would stand in the corner of the class, not disbelievingly, but simply not understanding.

And yet I wanted to understand so desperately. If I could have understood, it would make sense and my world could be brighter, better. I’m sure of that.

But maybe I wasn’t meant to know. Not meant to be part of the “in” crowd.

That’s how it feels.


Yuki said...

Congratulations on finishing your second triathalon!! You must be in really good shape! That's so awesome! Good for you!

I think it's a sign of intellegence to want to know why things are the way they are. It's good to question! It's too bad that your teacher didn't appreciate your curiosity and desire to learn.

xxan said...

I agree 100% with yuki :) both for the congrats and the intelligence. Polar is a very intelligent person, that I can tell.

Thank you, PB, for your kind comment. Here too I agree, being together in "a bunch" of mentally ill people, made me even sicker. REally. I'm glad I'm not alone with this feeling :)

james said...

Wow, congrats!!! I get winded just from walking up the stairs!! As for the empty feeling. I feel that too. It's like, no matter what I do I don't feel satisfied or happy for very long. I am hard on myself even when everyone else says I did a "good job" with something. Grr. It sucks, huh.

Anonymous said...

I understand the loneliness you feel.Maybe it is our fate to be alone,if we dont fit in maybe we should just except it.We are who we are and there isnt much we can do about it,it would be a losing battle to even try.No matter how friendly and supportive we try to be were still going to be ignored and left out because we just dont fit in.