Saturday, April 30, 2005

Catching up

It’s been a while, I know. There have been things happening around me, and in a way, I’ve just been avoiding the complicated stuff. Avoiding work was easy when I had to go to our remote campus for staff training. It was two days of driving 50mins each way. I love driving, so the commute was soothing, a chance for me to do something different from sitting in front of a computer all day. I also got to drive the company’s newest addition to its fleet. And it was way more powerful than my dinky little Mitz Mirage, even though I love my car and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. But when you want to overtake, man, you need power.

I went running this morning, down by the river. It felt really good. Trail running is so much fun. Then I went to the pool to swim laps for another hour or so. Physically, I feel great.

I saw V on Thursday. After a rather difficult week and smelling so strongly of defeat, V somehow made me feel better. As if despite all the failures, I did the best I could, and that was enough, for her. I think I’ve almost got therapy figured out. I think I see how it works, and this fills me with some hope.

V has taught me a lot in the last 9 or 10 months. There’s so much more that I can do instead of self defeating, self destructive things. And yet sometimes, it’s just easier to take it out on the one person that I hate – myself. I would never treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I’ve just realized that. That hatred is so ingrained. I think I even know where it came from – but I won’t go there. I’m not ready to go there just yet.

Maybe someday.

5 comments:

Yuki said...

Yeah! Glad everything is alright! It is good to hear that you are feeling hopeful. I'm glad V is helping you out too. Yeah! Good news!

81 Vaginas said...

hey, thanks for the good blog. i'm glad i've stumbled upon it.

borderline savvy said...

I'm really glad that therapy is going well for you, and that V has been so helpful. You sound like you are coming out strong after a difficult week.

I think I also know why you hate yourself and why it is so ingrained, and also why you are not ready to go there. That's ok. All in its own time. You are making great progress. I'm so proud of you!

Hugs,
Suzanne

Jennynyc said...

I swam today, and it made me feel so much better. What would I do without swimming? Let's not think about that one!

James said...

I often do the easier thing too. I know better but I always take the painful road it seems. I get some twisted enjoyment I guess out of seeing myself suffer and go through self-imposed guilt.

*sigh*