It’s been a while, I know. There have been things happening around me, and in a way, I’ve just been avoiding the complicated stuff. Avoiding work was easy when I had to go to our remote campus for staff training. It was two days of driving 50mins each way. I love driving, so the commute was soothing, a chance for me to do something different from sitting in front of a computer all day. I also got to drive the company’s newest addition to its fleet. And it was way more powerful than my dinky little Mitz Mirage, even though I love my car and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. But when you want to overtake, man, you need power.
I went running this morning, down by the river. It felt really good. Trail running is so much fun. Then I went to the pool to swim laps for another hour or so. Physically, I feel great.
I saw V on Thursday. After a rather difficult week and smelling so strongly of defeat, V somehow made me feel better. As if despite all the failures, I did the best I could, and that was enough, for her. I think I’ve almost got therapy figured out. I think I see how it works, and this fills me with some hope.
V has taught me a lot in the last 9 or 10 months. There’s so much more that I can do instead of self defeating, self destructive things. And yet sometimes, it’s just easier to take it out on the one person that I hate – myself. I would never treat anyone else the way I treat myself. I’ve just realized that. That hatred is so ingrained. I think I even know where it came from – but I won’t go there. I’m not ready to go there just yet.