Thursday, April 14, 2005

H(ell) didn't want me either

Statistic: Two suicide attempts landed me in hospital each time within the last 12 months. First one for 9 days, and I walked out in crutches. Second one for 3 days in ICU and on life support.

And yet I live to see another birthday. What were the odds?

Birthdays always make me think about the fact that I am still alive at this point in time. It makes me think about the possibility that I wouldn’t be here. It makes me think about how someone could have written my name this way:

Polar Bear, 1973 – 2005

Nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn’t expect anything different.

It’s still so hard to think about the fact that I am still here. So hard to think that all the battles I won has gotten me only more heartache, more pain. Sacrificing my soul for more unhappiness, how does this make sense?

Therapy today – I told V I’ll go to group in July when it starts. It surprised her, I think because I’d always been resistant before. It’s just one more thing to try – what have I got to lose?

We talked about M’s leaving too, and relating it to that whole incident in Wellington. It’s been weighing so heavily on me I thought I’d see if it made any difference talking about it and acknowledging my feelings to someone else. V was surprised at this too, I think. I guess therapy has made some small difference in the way I think. Sometimes coming out of the dark a person simply becomes blind. And blind people’s other senses are so much stronger. They hear so much better, feel so much more.

Sometimes it is so bright that I cringe from it all. It is so bright I feel as though my entire world has exploded. And all I really want to do is to crawl back into the soft caress of that familiar darkness.

7 comments:

The Mass Defective said...

I hate my birthday. It always makes me think about how I was brought into a world I so desperately want to remove myself from. Makes me wonder what happened and why it happened.

Sounds like you did good in therapy, you should be proud of yourself for opening up and talking about what's going on. I think each little step in the right direction is progress, even if every other step inbetween feels like we're stuck in cement shoes.

Take care of you!

Sandy said...

Happy Birthday, Polar Bear!

Wow...that was a really powerful thing you said about how sometimes you're blinded when you come out of the darkness. I have a couple clients struggling right now - they recently went on meds, having been suicidal...and it seems worse now almost, like they've been riled up inside.

Keep trying things...stay open, sweet girl.

Ron_F said...

Word for the day ... reversible ... as in:
Please don't do anything that is not reversible.

I think you are pretty strong to have the courage to continue writing about your attempts... and I think it helps others who might feel just as hurt or desperate. Write for yourself, but realize that by being here you do have a positive impact.

Keep fighting, and do something good for yourself, ok?

borderline savvy said...

You are very lucky (I know it may not feel this way right now) to have survived two suicide attempts. I'm glad your tombstone will not say 1973-2005. I'm proud of you for the courage you are showing in therapy and for being willing to walk out of the darkness and into the light. I know how comfortably familiar the dark is, but I know too how good it is to see things with the sun shining on them in full color. If you don't check, have a happy birthday on Saturday. Do something special and nice for yourself. You way deserve it.

butterflies said...

Happy birthday Polar:)
The reason Hell doesnt want you is because you have stepped into the light,as blinding as it is.
Theres a wonderous reason for you to exist..an unknown purpose.You cheer me up and make me smile so maybe thats IT....
Anyway,Im very glad Ive met you sweetie.

Yuki said...

Dear Polar Bear,
I'm glad that you made it through this past year. I'm so glad that you're here! What would I do without you, my cyber friend?! You encourage me and let me know I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. You encourage me when you feel down yourself! I'm amazed at your strength! You write beautifully and express your thoughts so creatively. I think we would all say that you are such a blessing to all of us! We are all glad that you're here. Happy Birthday!

James said...

You've got 9 lives my friend. I think someone or something wants you to live. I'm glad that you are still amongst us. Sending peace and love your way.

-James