Friday, April 08, 2005

The hours

It’s been such a struggle. Struggle to get up. Struggle to get through an hour. Struggle to get through another hour. Struggle to get through the day.

And even after having done all that, there are the hours ahead. The hours yet to come.

The uncertainties are off-setting me. And I have this irrational anger at C for having come into my apartment and stripping me of the only coping mechanism I’ve ever trusted. And worse yet, to have stripped me of that and to have abandoned me to my own resources.

I’m so torn between rage, shame and sadness. I’m so angry I don’t trust myself to be around other people. I’m so sad and ashamed, I’m terrified that if left alone, I will act impulsively one way or another. And yet I know that all it takes is self control.

My life, my choice.

Why does it feel so damn lonely?


borderline savvy said...

Oh, Polar Bear, I am so concerned about you. It just rips me up to hear the pain that you write. Do you have a library that has internet access? If so, email me over the weekend, every hour if you like. And if you don't, buy a cheap computer so you don't have to be alone. I'm not kidding. If you can't find a new or used one locally, order it from Dell. These weekends are so hard for you.

I take it from your comment about "stripping me of the only coping mechanism I've ever trusted" that it's possible you might self-medicate at times? I do. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes the pain is so bad...

I can imagine that you feel violated by what C did, and how you might then feel ashamed. Don't be. It's how you coped, and you did what you did because it was the only way you knew how to stop the agony. Homework assignment: Find a computer and log in at least twice over the weekend. I have to go across the mountains to the other side of the Rocky Mtns. to meet my ex, and I hear there is a storm coming in with a lot of snow. This means I may not get back with you. But I'm thinking of you: thinking of you putting one foot in front of the other and making it through this weekend. I really care what happens to you, Polar Bear, and I don't want to lose you. You have become an important part of my life. So if for nobody else, make it through the weekend for me, because I care.

Please get yourself a computer and get on the internet. It has been a life saver for me, literally. And you won't be so lonely any more, because you'll have access to Sid and me.

In DBT, did they teach you mindfulness? That's when you are aware of where you are and what you are touching and doing in the very present moment. Try to stay in the present moment, and not get tied up in knots over the past or the future. Just be conscious of your in-breath and your out-breath and very aware of your surroundings. I don't practice it as much as I should, but I know that I am much happier when I do. So why do we not do the things that make us happy?

Run and swim all weekend. Make it an endurance test to see how many hours you can keep it up. You're good at getting those endorphins going, so go for it! Listen to music you like, read a book you've been wanting to read, watch a movie that you haven't seen (nothing sad). You can do it. Take a bubble bath by candlelight. Go and get yourself a dog! That should keep your mind occupied (as you puppy-proof the house).

Be GOOD to yourself. Treat yourself with tender loving care. I'll check my computer to see if you have purchased a computer over the weekend.

But if you can't get online, I'm with you in spirit. Just work on being creative (I know that's hard to do when you're in your mode) about the things that you do positively for yourself. I'm counting on you to come out of the other side of this weekend, Polar Bear. Don't let me lose a new friend! I don't have many friends and want to keep the ones I have. Promise me that you'll call your t if you feel yourself getting in trouble.

Please be kind to yourself!

butterflies said...

I agree that having a computer certainly helps with loneliness.It was a lot easier when you could chat for free with msn chat rooms though.
Another suggestion is to go and do something for someone else.I know it sounds trite but its always worked for me.To give a few hrs of your time to another person is always appreciated....and its good for self esteem.
Take care,

EJ said...

I've always wished I was any good at self medicating, but I never have been....I guess to be honest I do it occassionaly when things get really bad. I'm Bipolar 2 with rapid cycling and mixed states. When the "buzz" gets too bad I will occasionaly have some drinks to mello out a bit. If someone told me I could never do that again...I think I would be pretty upset. Right now I keep my weekends pretty full so I don't have much time to dwell on anything. I can't say I have great friends or boyfriend, none of the really understand it I'm constantly surrounded by people who believe you can "overcome it" and it makes me mad. I didn't choose this and I can't get rid of it.

Please take care and please feel free to email me any time....we all have to help each other out when things get bad...its the only way to survive.


The Mass Defective said...

I understand the struggle you're going through and not being able to trust yourself. I hope that you are able to get out and even if you're not with someone in particular, that you at least keep yourself around others. Like Suzanne said, get out and run or swim or both. Go to a mall or the library. Even if you're angry, it's best to keep yourself near other people just to help lift that feeling of being all alone in the world, even if you still feel lonely inside. Please take care of you. Like the others, I'm here for you and you can email me at

Anonymous said...

Self control?Huh uh,too hard,the moods are just too out of control.And it is hard to be around people,lonlines seems easier than self control.
Do you find it less lonely on the internet?I dont think I do,I dont think people take to me much.Im not sure if its because Im too strange or too boring.Ive poured out a lot and theres not been much feedbach.

I think I understand what you mean about feeling impulsive.If I take my life it will probably have to be an impulsive decision,because maybe then there wouldnt be time to get scared if I didnt think about it,just do it quikly before I talk myself out of it.

I hope you can get a computer so you can talk to your friends more,maybe then you wont have to dwell so much on the bad things.

Anonymous said...

Hi Polar Bear

I've been reading your blog for several months, and am so glad to have a fellow bpd, kiwi sufferer to 'connect' with. I'm not far from you, in the 'Windy City'. Don't you hate how slow time passes? Watching the clock and waiting for each hour to end - telling yourself you can get through the next hour. I hope you have managed to get through the weekend in one piece. I find going to the (university) library useful. Although I have had to give up my studies this year because of my mental state, I still find the library one of the few places I feel safe - I can't hurt myself, I'm surrounded by people, but the people don't know me and don't expect anthing from me. It's the closest to feeling safe that I can get (apart from therapy) - even if you're not an enrolled student, maybe hanging out at Massey library would give you some breathing space (I seem to recall you referring to 'Palmy' in the past). Just a suggestion. Take care. One hour at a time. Or even one quarter-hour at a time. We have to believe that it will get easier over time. I'm thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace for a while.

Yuki said...

Dear Polar Bear,

How are you? What's going on? I hope that you are okay. If you ever get lonely, feel free to comment. I will try to check my blog more often. I'm concerned about you and I think of you often. I would be angry too if someone took my meds away! Hang in there. You're the best! OK?! Hang in there.

Yuki said...

Remember that we all care about you! We want to support you and help you! Let us know if there's anything we can do to help!

borderline savvy said...

Polar Bear,
It is afternoon on Monday 11th, and you haven't posted. Please email me at I'm worried about you.

Polar Bear said...

I'm back. I didn't do much running or swimming. I should have, but just couldn't get out the door. Called in sick on Monday, so here I am now.
Thanks for your concern, I know you had a hard weekend yourself. Hope you go easy on yourself.

Butterflies, I am thinking of getting home internet access eventually. I'm still working on it.... :)

EJ, I do believe that it is important to keep busy, or keep the weekends full, as you put it. It's just hard sometimes when all you want to do is hide. Of course there's the rational mind (get busy) and the emotional mind (isolate and perish), coming to a clash.

Sid, thanks for your email. I will use it. I got through the weekend.....

anonymous 1 ,
What do you mean people (online) don't take to you much? Do you have a blog? I'd love to visit it, if you have one and could point me to it.

anonymous 2, A kiwi from the Windy City? Wow. What can I say. I lived there for almost 3 years before moving to balmy palmy. I love the city where you are but it would hurt for me to go back there. Too many bad memories now. How do you find your treatment there as a BPD sufferer?

Yuki, Thanks for your concern. I'm ok. Back from the weekend now.