Monday, April 04, 2005

I'm swimming, not drowning

One week out from the overdose. I knew it was going to be a tough weekend. And it was. All I did was try to distract my mind from dwelling too much over it. So many if-onlys. If only I had died. If only the pain could end. Don’t get me wrong. I’m in no way saying that I would do that again. Far from it. I don’t ever want to put myself through that hell again. Maybe it’d be a different type of hell. It’ll be hell one way or another, I guess. Who am I kidding?

But I don’t have a stash anymore. Even the hidden ones were stripped away from me by C. You can’t imagine the shame of having been found out. How could I have known that even the hollowed out book where I thought would be safe was not? In some ways I feel as though I’d been violated. And that feeling in turn triggers one of pure hate and righteous anger. I have no right to feel that way, and yet I do.

So many thoughts, so many feelings I didn’t need. So I went to the pool on Saturday and swam laps for an hour. Sunday I went for a half hour run before jumping into the pool to swim for another hour. All that, as if I could really put distance behind me.

It’s futile, really. Everything I’ve done so far is self destructive, fuelled by an underlying current of self loathing.

Still, not having a stash to fall back on could be a major advantage for me to progress in therapy. V has always said that the pills are only a short term solution. It also prevents me from employing the skills I’ve been taught because it was always easy to fall back on the pills. Now I have to be awake and alive during therapy and without the safe protective shield of the pills.

I know that’s going to hurt more.


butterflies said...

I like the name of the post..swimming not drowning:)
Exersize is great when your depressed cos as yu know it releases natural endorphines.Its good to hear that your stash is gone too.Its great that you have friends around that care enough about you to protect you.Thanks for sharing your feelings.You have a strong will and a lot of courage.

Sid said...

Just got back from vacation so I'm only just now learning about what you've been going thru. I'm so glad you're still with us! I just briefly scanned your last couple of posts cuz I've got to get to bed, but I'll read thru them later in the morning. Please take care of you!

borderline savvy said...

Polar Bear,
It sounds as if you are taking steps back toward life. I'm so glad you are exercising and that you enjoy it. And I, too, am happy that your stash is gone. I still have a stash, but I haven't been tempted that direction. I'm tempted more by a knife. Glad you are going to be able to work through more things in therapy, and glad that you even have therapy. I don't yet. I'm so glad you are alive and swimming.

Sandy said...

It will be hard hon, but you can do it. I'm proud of you for letting your friend clean your place out. That takes're stronger than you think.

borderline savvy said...

I don't know why your comments aren't posting on my blog. The comment that they aren't posting made it up, though. It seems to take my blog a long time to get things to show up. Sometimes, like when I uploaded a picture, it happened instantly. Mostly, I have to wait several hours before it posts. Is this normal?

borderline savvy said...

Hey, Polar Bear,
We do have a lot in common. I also have a multimedia design background (although I'm not that great at it), and am studying instructional design. I guess you got that from my bio. The demand in the States: I'm not in a very good position to assess it, but yes, in general, I think there is a steady demand for instructional designers. I can mostly only speak for my little area of the world, because I have my resume on and the hits are for the Denver metro area. But even so, there are regular jobs that come open. I think other cities might have a greater demand than here. Problem is, I haven't really searched because I still have a year to go on my Master's.

So it's autumn there for you. I have some friends--a couple--and they are absolutely wild about New Zealand, and yes, Middle Earth. She is a scriptwriter, and he is a very advanced hospital nurse. They keep talking about moving there, and knowing them, they just might.

Back to ID, there seems to be an expectation now that learning is going to be done on computer. I am going to an online University where I'm getting my degree. That has been a great experience that I can bring to ID. I'm also thinking about facilitating some classes online after I graduate--most likely undergrad courses.

From your posts, you seem to be doing better. I'm really glad. I would love for us to be friends! Hey, I wonder if people with BPD are drawn to ID or multimedia...

Thanks for all your notes.

EJ said...

I know its a hard fight and even though it doesn't feel like it everyday it is one worth fighting. I think we fool ourselves into believing that it should be easier then it is but that's not true. For us things may always be hard and that is a very difficult realization. When I finally realized that I would not ever be like everyone else I was very angry and very depressed. Then I realized thats just the way it is and since there is nothing I can do about I just have to go on. Try making a list of things you can do to give yourself an outlet. I have another blog that I post to that really helps. All the things that go on in my head I don't feel like I can share with anyone else can go there. When I do that I don't feel so much like I am hiding. I don't feel as isolated. There is also a horrible, horrible symptom of depression that it helps with and that is the feeling that you are so unique no one could possibly understand you. My other blog proves to me on a regular basis that I am not a freak or an outcast. I'm like a lot of other people that struggle with this every single day. I'm not the only person out there that feels like I only LOOK happy. I have good days too but you know how it is when the bad days are so bad you can't remember them. Thats when you use your tools. For me when all else fails I go to bed as early as I can and try to sleep it off. Its sounds funny but I always wake up feeling at least a little bit better and a little bit is better then nothing.

If you ever need to vent please feel free to email me. I have a few people I email when things get really bad and they always help to give me understanding and perspective.

Take care, I'm thinking about you.