Monday, April 25, 2005

It's been cold

It’s been so cold. The chill settles into my bones, and I’m shaking like a drug addict. Sitting here in some dark alley, hiding from a world that has shunned me.

I’ve been such a fool. Trying to find my place in this world, only to make people mad at me. I’m so sorry. I wish I had died. Maybe you could ask God for me. He doesn’t listen to me anymore and you’re closer to Him that I could ever be.

It’s been so cold, and all you ever do now is tell me to get my act together, as if I could wave a magic wand and the shattered pieces would recreate themselves into the monument you wanted to see.

On the phone, I catch you just before you leave again, and you tell me so many wonderful stories, telling me of things I can never be a part of, making me jealous, as if I wasn’t broken enough.

You even lie to me, telling me you tried to call me, when I sat by the phone all weekend, waiting for you to call. I’m just not in your thoughts anymore, no longer someone you give a moment of silence to. Why do you not love me anymore?

It’s been so cold my pelvis hurts. The aching of my bones making me walk with a limp, reminding me of my own deformity. So many sins – have you not forgiven me? How do I redeem myself?

I’ve chosen my path, and you, yours. There was a time when I thought you cared. But did you really? Or was it my desperation to see something that was never even there?

It’s hard to say good bye, to burn the bridge behind me. Because every time I look back, I want to see you there. And even if you aren’t, I want to leave you the choice. Even if you’re not coming, I want to pretend you are.

It’s been so cold – I keep looking at the warmth of your home, standing knee deep in snow, as if I could feel that fire in your soul. I keep standing there, and you don’t even see me shaking so hard, tears in my eyes forming into ice. I won’t knock on your door this time, because you won’t hear me, not with all the songs you are singing in there – it would drown me out. I may lie down in that cold dark alley that I call home and wait for you to find my frozen soul.

10 comments:

borderline savvy said...

You need to get yourself warm, Polar bear. You need to either turn up the heat or layer and wrap yourself in blankets. Cold causes chills, and that can cause depression.

I don't care how many people you piss off, you still have a right to a good life in this world WITHOUT dying.

I know what it's like when friends tell you all they are doing with their families and other friends, and feeling so left out and alone. It's a deeply painful feeling. And I know jealousy, too. And envy. I wish I had a family/friends to do things with.

My friend doesn't lie to me. She simply forgets me. I have to be the one to call her and start a chatty conversation (trying to keep it upbeat so that I don't turn her off by being so negative). That's major pain you're feeling.

Sure your friend cared about you, and probably still does. She's just so wrapped up in her own life that she doesn't take the time to be really present with you, which is her fault, not yours.

Why do you have to say goodbye? Why do you have to burn the bridge? Keep the bridge there. Never burn your bridges. It may seem to be simpler, less messy, but never, never burn your bridges. You don't know when you will connect again in the future, and you want to keep those bridges there. Just in case. I know it's easier just to cut your losses and run, or at least it seems easier, but in the long run, it is more painful because you are setting yourself up for being lonely and depressed.

I don't believe that you saw something that wasn't there, but I also believe that people can get so wrapped up in their lives that they neglect their friends, which is wrong.

Don't blame yourself, Polar Bear. You are just tending to go bak into the chameleon role and fade into the darkness. Don't do it. Stay in the light where friends know to find you. And keep in touch with them even if they don't keep in touch with you. Keep the connection going. You never know how life is going to turn out and when you might need that friend again. So don't burn your bridges.

Anonymous said...

God will give us as much time as we give him.

EJ said...

Please hold on sweet Polar. You give so much to us here and I don't think you know how much we all value that. I know its hard but there are people who love you.

I know how it is to be alone...I use blogland to hold me up when it feels like too much. When I feel like I can't take it another single second.

Please hold on to a tiny spark of hope....we are here for you.

The Mass Defective said...

I agree with what EJ said. Hang on, we are here for you.

butterflies said...

Its horrible when winters coming.The cold can creep into your soul if you allow it to.But take a hold of Gods hands and He will keep you warm.He has not deserted you.Hes waiting for you to reach out and give yourself to His care.The love of God is warm and all encompassing.Get along to a spirit filled church and meet some ppl.Im sure you will meet lots of friends there who will love you unconditionally. Get into the family of the church.Let go and let God.

Yuki said...

Disspointment can be so difficult. Dissapointment in people, in relationships, in how we expect them to act. Sucks. I'm very concerned about you and how you're doing. Feel free to email me at jmarriage@tyndale.ca. I may erase this post in a few days so my email isn't so public. It's my work email so I will email you back during my lunch break.
Take care. Remember that I love you. We all love you and care about you. You are special and important. A person of great value. We all love you! Please don't harm yourself in anyway. You are much too precious.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear, Are you there? How are you? Thinking about you today. Please remember to tell your pdoc about all these horrible feelings & thoughts. Hopefully she can help you through this difficult time. I sincerely hope and believe that things will turn around for you at some point in time. You will get better. You will recover. These emotions will not last forever. People do recover from BPD and depression. Please do not take your life. People do recover. Things can get better. But, if you were to harm yourself, the consequences could be permanent. We would miss you too much.

EJ said...

Just checking in to see how you are doing Polar. I myself am not doing so super fab right now. I'm lucky I can finish a sentence this week. Gonna try some new meds or add a med on or something like that...see if it helps.

I'm sorry I haven't done your questions yet, I'm hoping I will be better in a few days, right now, well...I guess I just need to wait for this to pass or whatever.

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear, Please let us know if you're okay. I'm concerned about you. Been thinking about you a lot lately.

borderline savvy said...

I'm with Yuki. Please post so that we know how you are doing. If you are feeling down, then all the more reason to let us know so we can support you.