Thursday, April 21, 2005

"It's ok"

So I called to say hello. But you were too busy to talk to me. Maybe I didn’t say enough, so you assumed I had nothing to say. Maybe you have such a full life you simply couldn’t fit me in.

I understand.

I’m not family, not flesh and blood, not your lover, nor your child. Who am I, but a vagrant dog. A stray, with no gold or silver to offer up a platter.

I understand.

I had no place to go the other day, so I stopped by your house. It was all shut up, like you’d been away. Of course you were. It was the weekend. Families do things together on weekends.

I understand.

Don’t you worry about my broken heart, don’t you worry about my soul. If I couldn’t put a price on my own life, how could I expect you to?

It’s ok.

I guess I wanted to belong so badly that I assumed I could force my way in. Make you love me, maybe even care.

But there’s only so much we each can do in life. Only so much that we can give.

That’s alright. I understand how there just wouldn’t be enough for me. There wasn’t enough in my own family either. Never enough to go around. It always ran out when it came to me.

So I understand.

I’ll just sit on the side of the street here and watch the trucks go by. Or I’ll drive down to the railroad tracks and count the trains that go by. Maybe I’ll hop on board one day, and go far away. Maybe I'll fall beneath its wheels, crushed to a bloody death. What would it matter, and who would know?


Yuki said...

If someone is too busy for you on purpose, they're not worth your time! You are so valuable & so worth time, love & attention! You're awesome! I wish you could come to Toronto and we could hang out. Seriously think about it!

James said...


Anonymous said...

Sometimes when I really need someone there just aren't any if I pick up the phone and make that connection I have nothing to say and feel all stupid. Last time I did that though, that happened though, I called a friend and said, "I don't have anything to say...I just wanted to call you." So he let me just listen to him breathe for a while. It was nice.

I'm sorry you feel alone...I wish I could help. (((())))

borderline savvy said...

Your sadness, loneliness, and heartache all come through with such great clarity. I wish I could fix it and make it better. You will fit in and have friends. You've been through a lot lately, and have been turning inward, which is ok too. Maybe if we can get you feeling better about yourself, you will once again venture out and make new friends. I am your friend.

The Mass Defective said...

I was just about to say something that sounded totally foolish so I deleted it. Something a t once told me that I'm not sure I believe that came to mind reading your post. Instead I'll just say this...I know I don't know you well, tho we're working on that; and you're on the opposite side of the world, but it would matter to me. You matter to me. Take care.

butterflies said...

I called in to say HI and I love you.
You are worth anything...everything.

Manica said...

You are a very powerful writer.

EJ said...

I feel that way too. It seems like some kind of a cosmic joke that when you feel your absolute worst you suffer the worst rejection.

I feel like I am setting myself up alot...I wish I could learn how to stop doing that.