Tuesday, April 19, 2005

My own dead eyes

I guess I could call. But I wouldn’t know what to say.

I guess I could run. But the pain wouldn’t go away.

I guess I could swim. But it’s too cold now. And I’m already wet because the tears are flowing.

Sometimes life throws a curve ball, and I don’t even know if I want to catch it. If I do, would it make me a better person? And if I was a better person, would it matter in my own dead eyes?

There would have been better things that people could have done if they had walked on by and left me to die. Instead they stuck a tube down my throat and forced me to breathe. They called me a coward and made me stay. Then they walked away and stripped me of my clothes so that I was naked, deeply ashamed.

Here I am, I say. Do what you want to me. And they didn’t give me so much as a glance. They paid me no heed.

Here I am, what do you want me to do? They spit at me and laughed so hard.

Sometimes the world seems all wrong. It’s such a lonely place to be when you belong nowhere and you only do what you can. It’s such a lonely place, it’s easier to pretend….

I wasn’t here at all.


Yuki said...

Whether standing still or running hard, catching the curve ball or not, we stand with you. We see your pain that you express so eloquently and we grieve with you. We mourn the pain you feel. We suffer while you suffer. There's no peace, when there's no peace for you. We are with you. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Wheres the compassion,why dont they see whats happening.They keep telling us that we choose to live this way ,why would we want this.

borderline savvy said...

Dead eyes--you capture the feeling of depression and dispair so eloquently. I see you are making something beautiful out of something painful and terrible. That's a healthy step. There is poetry in your words, and a poem is a creative thing. I hope you felt better after writing this. I'm so sorry you are so sad that you are crying. You've been thrown a number of curve balls recently. Does the job rejection still hurt? Or are you still working through the feelings of being put against your will in intensive care? Which ever or both, I stand with you in your grief, sadness, shame, dispair, and pain. I'm sorry you are looking at the world with dead eyes, but I know what that is like. Take care of yourself.

EJ said...

One of my biggest problems/issues is being alone. Knowing that there are so few people that would be there. Often times in my deepest depression everyone seems to be away. I start thinking of all the people that have left...all the ones I chased away...all the ones I had hoped were true to me and were not and left me broken and sad. I wish I had something to say about all of this, I wish I had something for you that would give you a feeling that you are less alone. All I can say is that I/we are here for you here. You are not fighting this alone but be sure your head will try to trick you into believing you are.

You have nothing to be ashamed about this is a hard fight that few understand and it wears you out. We understand.

Be well.


The Mass Defective said...

I'm always struck by how expressive your posts are. I can always feel the emotion you're feeling just by reading your words. I often pretend I'm not really here. Fade into the background and try to become invisible, but it doesn't help calm the torment. Not sure what will, but know that I'm here for you as I know you are for me. Together we may just be able to keep going. Take care of you!