Monday, May 09, 2005

Changing seasons

Autumn is such an amazing season. Driving towards the Esplanade, the roads were paved with gold, swirling after the wheels of passing cars. Trees were shedding tears, as if mourning the passing of summer, their naked branches reaching high up into the grey sky in an apparent gesture of supplication.

I left the car at the pool, and ran my usual out-and-back route, amidst the orange and red explosions of colour, my strides crunching the crisp dry leaves. Such breathtaking beauty everywhere. To be surrounded by such grand beauty it physically hurt me, knowing that I am alive, so full of flaws. What do I have to offer this world? How much do I suck dry with each breath I draw? How much do I taint the world by each breath I expel?

So hard to comprehend a world so filled with miracles when my own mind betrays me. So hard to understand that an artist and creator so skilled in sculpting these physical landscapes and design such ingenious cycles of varying seasons, would also create such twisted manifestations of psychosis and delusion in my brain.

I cannot help but feel cheated somehow, and then guilt ridden by the betrayal of my own mind…. and soul. What right do I have to question a gift, even if I never wanted it in the first place, never asked for it?

Walking a thin line every day, it doesn’t take much to fall on either side. I’m tired of the games they play. I’m tired of being shattered, of being mangled, of being salvaged. Every time I emerge from these episodes the internal world takes on a darker tinge against the contrast of a more brilliant one in which everyone else exists. I’m a foreigner in my own world. Stranger in my own strange land.

Sometimes even sanity is only an illusion.


butterflies said...

Polar,your writing is beautiful.Im sorry that you feel that your life is full of loss tho.
For the trees to lose their leaves means that they will gain strength and height.They will put their energies into making their trunks strong.Then they will be able to withstand the winter cold and the fierce winds.
Take care lady.

borderline savvy said...

What do you offer this world? For one thing, you offer your caring, compassionate person as a friend to people like me, encouraging me as I faulter from one step to the next.

I don't believe that there was a creator who created the beauty of the autumn leaves and the pain of BPD in you. I believe you have the perfection of the eternal in you already, though you don't acknowledge it. Pain and suffering are a part of life. So many people suffer from so many things, like hunger and poverty, war and "ethnic cleansing," and cancer and the ugly death of deteriorating memory. We suffer too, but in my view, there is a way out of suffering. Sorry, I don't mean to preach. It's just that I see suffering as universal. Even wealthy people suffer. That's not to belittle the suffering that you and I feel; it is simply acknowledging it as a universal reality that we don't have to live with.

Try your DBT mindfulness skills. Try on the next run to simply be in the moment without judging it one way or the other. Just accepting it for what it is, whether a mixture of beauty and pain or not.

You are a treasure, Polar Bear. The world would be worse off if you weren't here to brighten it with your lovely personality. Please don't forget that.

Big hugs,

Anonymous said...

Polar Bear,
Try to think this way: It isn't fall, it's Spring. This is a perfect time for new beginnings. All things begin again in spring: trees, flowers, little animal families...
Take care of you!
Shannin (looney bin drop out)