Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Extended leave to tend to business

I’ve been away for a couple of days. Auckland on Monday, Wellington on Tuesday. Chasing a dream, putting an issue to rest so that what remains now is out of my hands. I had to go back and shut a few doors, see where that would lead me. Because if I hadn’t done that, I’d always be wondering…. what if….

It’s been tough. I finished earlier than planned in Auckland, and went back to the airport, hoping to catch an earlier flight back, but wasn’t able to. So I ended up waiting 3 and a half hours for my flight home, watching three other planes leave for home,… flights I could have been on if I had been willing to shell out for a full price ticket. I wanted desperately to just get home, but accepted the fact that it was stupid to have to pay for another ticket when I already had one. I tried practicing my mindfulness skill. Just breathing evenly, and trying to feel OK instead of sheer panic and constant worry, and a longing to just be home so I could put the day behind me.

I watched people come and go, like waves coming onto the beach, and then receding back into the vast ocean beyond. People disappearing through gates and onto airplanes that took them into the unknown.

Wellington wasn’t that much easier. I got stuck in traffic during the morning rush hour. Getting into the city with more traffic, more people and crowds of them didn’t help my mood. I parked miles from where I had to get to because I was too cheap to pay $12 for parking instead of $9. Wellington sucks. I don’t think I can ever stomach living there again. So why was I there?, was the question that kept burning a hole in a my head. My mantra was “Get it done, and get the hell out of here”. Sometimes just being in the city made me physically ill.

I couldn’t live there again. Ever. Not unless I get a lobotomy. And then nothing would matter…

I realise some things are not meant to be, and I am now willing to accept that. It’s been hard trying to build a life worth living when everything seems so uncertain – and when changes mean more than just adapting. Changes which mean re-building an entire life and losing the one you've spent almost 2 years trying to build. How will I find the energy to do that?


borderline savvy said...

Polar Bear,
Glad you posted. Was beginning to worry about you. I'm glad you've had a chance to search out some answers for yourself. That's important for us to do. It helps just knowing if a door is opened or closed, doesn't it? That doesn't make it any easier to handle, but you sound as if you are handling it well. So are you ruling in or out either Auckland or Wellington? I know traffic in the cities sucks. That's why I live in the country in the mountains. But I'm close to the city if I need anything.

Kudos on you practicing your mindfulness skill! I don't know that I would have had the presence of mind to do that.

Congratulations on discovering some answers in your life.

Big hugs,

The Mass Defective said...

I'm glad you were able to use the mindfulness skill. Hope it worked, even if only a little bit.

I think most of us find energy when we don't believe there is any there. Just getting up and out of bed each day is harder for those of us fighting with mental illness, so doing that right there is a tremendous show of energy even if it feels like we're dragging ourselves along.

It's hard to rebuild a life, I won't deny that. But I have faith that things will work out for you. There will probably be setbacks along the way, but I think you will persevere. Take care of you!

Yuki said...

Rebuilding a life is difficult and takes a lot of energy.
You have closed some doors and been able to confront that past. Good for you. That takes guts! Glad that you went there and faced it! You are very brave!
Whatever life you build, at least you get the chance to design it the way you want! The kind of life you've always dreamed about! And your blog community will be here to support you. With love, Jo