Wednesday, May 18, 2005

On the borderline

So many promises I can’t keep. The mountain that keeps on growing.

Physically, it’s been a challenge. I’m just so damn tired all the time. The increase of Seroquel is probably contributing to this. I want to go back to a lower dose, but I’m afraid of relapsing.

I can’t wake up in the mornings. The dark, the cold, and the wild raging winds outside does not make it easier. And I struggle not to think too much, because if I do, I will end up staying under the covers. After a shower and 2 cups of coffee, I feel only slightly better. I’m off to work, and I’m grateful I have that.

The thoughts have quieten down a lot this past week. I’m calmer, but in a zombie-like way. Do I really want to live in this manner?

I truly understand what it feels like to live on the borderline, and to constantly fight for the right to return to baseline. There are people that live there – right on the baseline, and they don’t know how good they have it.

It’s hard to know how I really feel right now. I feel as though my brain is coated by some filmy layer which basically filters out all sound and color. My thoughts are quiet, but I can no longer tune into the main station. It is fuzzy and punctuated by static. I have no clear messages one way or another.

I see V tomorrow. I don’t know what to tell her. It feels like I’m all out of words. Or maybe it’s just the effort of talking that saps my energy. But I want to see her anyway, because I know I will at least feel safe.

I keep falling behind. Things that need to be done shunted away because I lack the motivation. I keep making promises, but I fall into bed, and I forget everything all at once. I keep running, but it feels like I am on a giant hamster wheel, and I get nowhere.


xxan said...

Dear Polar,
You always succeed in putting into words what I feel/think: "There are people that live there – right on the baseline, and they don’t know how good they have it." This is so true. And I probably have a bad character: I am REALLY jealous of those people.

Good that you are still running ... This must take a lot of courage ! I wouldn't be able to run. I'm feeling too down. And then I don't have the courage for anything. Only hurting and self-pity.

Right now I am wondering too if this is the way I want to keep on living ?

I wish that you DO get somewhere with your running ! !

The Mass Defective said...

Do you ever print out your blog posts and show them to V or to your pdoc? I think this would be an excellent one to share with your pdoc as it describes the zombie feeling and the film thing which I think are medication issues. Showing them to V might give you a jump-start in finding what to talk about during your visits.

I fully understand that zombie feeling as I've blogged about it myself. It is very uncomfortable and I almost prefer the chaos of being unmedicated because at least I'm feeling and experiencing things.

Hope all goes well with your visit with V. Take care of you!

Anonymous said...

Caffiene wakes you up but it will leave you drained later in the day.Seroquel will too if you take a lot of it.Ive had a lot more energy since Ive stopped drinking coffee.


Yuki said...

You have a lot of courage and a lot of determination! Good for you for hanging in there. Keep up the good fight to stay on baseline. You're awesome! Love, Yuki

EJ said...

As always you voice everything I feel. Though I am so close to baseline now....even touched on it for a few days.

I'm trying to hold on to it like a precious jewel. The idea of slipping back is beyond painful. I'm afraid any happiness I have is really mania disguised.

If only they lucky they are.

I guess it doesn't matter to me that much...I just want it to be me.

I'm back, I'm doing pretty good on my meds...better then I thought...AND I can wake up in the morning.

Ever tried Risperdal? So far its working great for me and I'm not a zombie. I did have to increase my dosage...I've felt kind of on the edge since I stared, even started to head downwards. Lets hope the extra kick helps.

I missed you polar.

dark_one said...

My name is Kim Collar and i would like to show you my personal experience with Seroquel.

I am 40 years old. Have been on Seroquel for 9 months now. I would love to know how people sleep after having huge insomnia before seroquel as it is the most potent sleep inducer known to mankind.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
lack of motivation, extreme depression, headaches, hypotension, increased pulse, dizziness, weight gain, dry mouth, constipation, personality change, puffy gums, no interest in activities other than sleeping.

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Kim Collar

Seroquel Side Effects