So many promises I can’t keep. The mountain that keeps on growing.
Physically, it’s been a challenge. I’m just so damn tired all the time. The increase of Seroquel is probably contributing to this. I want to go back to a lower dose, but I’m afraid of relapsing.
I can’t wake up in the mornings. The dark, the cold, and the wild raging winds outside does not make it easier. And I struggle not to think too much, because if I do, I will end up staying under the covers. After a shower and 2 cups of coffee, I feel only slightly better. I’m off to work, and I’m grateful I have that.
The thoughts have quieten down a lot this past week. I’m calmer, but in a zombie-like way. Do I really want to live in this manner?
I truly understand what it feels like to live on the borderline, and to constantly fight for the right to return to baseline. There are people that live there – right on the baseline, and they don’t know how good they have it.
It’s hard to know how I really feel right now. I feel as though my brain is coated by some filmy layer which basically filters out all sound and color. My thoughts are quiet, but I can no longer tune into the main station. It is fuzzy and punctuated by static. I have no clear messages one way or another.
I see V tomorrow. I don’t know what to tell her. It feels like I’m all out of words. Or maybe it’s just the effort of talking that saps my energy. But I want to see her anyway, because I know I will at least feel safe.
I keep falling behind. Things that need to be done shunted away because I lack the motivation. I keep making promises, but I fall into bed, and I forget everything all at once. I keep running, but it feels like I am on a giant hamster wheel, and I get nowhere.