Wednesday, May 11, 2005

One year anniversary

One year ago. To this day. It was a Tuesday last year.

It still pains me to remember what I tried to do. Yet I want to bare my soul and let it all out, perhaps in some crazy kind of hope that the demons that plagued me one year ago today, will be released back into the hell from which they emerged.

It hadn’t been all that long since I wanted so badly to end my own life. But jumping was definitely my first. It was partly impulsive, partly calculated.

I won’t go into details about the events that led up to it. I won’t go into details about how I felt when I hit the ground. I remember them clearly enough, and they will probably haunt me at inopportune moments for the rest of my life, but I hope that time will fade those images in my head a little at a time, until the colours are all washed out and the tinted brown of age-old photos will no longer etch themselves so deeply into my heart and mind.

It was weeks before I could walk without crutches, months before I could run again. But even the early days, while I was still in hospital, I would push past the pain and test the limits of what I could do, forcing it sometimes, as if I could seek redemption for what I had done to myself. Enduring more unnecessary pain because, well,… because I deserved it.

One year ago. That’s all it’s been.

Not that long ago, and I still remember too much. The demons come alive today because they feed off my fear and shame.

7 comments:

xxan said...

Dear Polar,

It is a good thing that you can write about it so well. I don't know anyone who can verbalize her/his thoughts and emotions so beautifully, poetically and right in the core.

My experience is "that time will fade those images" in our heads. Only time is a very slow entity. Slower than the slowest coclea (slug ??).

I'm picking a bunch of tulips for you and send it to you...

I think the weather gods are mistaken and they think it is winter time here. How's your weather like now?

butterflies said...

OH girlfriend! You are meant to be here for a higher purpose.
I had a friend called John.He tried to kill himself by stabbing himself in the stomach..didnt die.He went to hospital...jumped out the window!! Became a parapalegic..Eventually he did kill himself with RAT poison.
You see,after the number of times you have tried,God is not going to let you.You are here to teach all of us,to help us,to support us and to reach out to us.We love you...The demons have left you because you told them to in this post.
You have turned a corner.Keep on running and they will never catch you:)

Yuki said...

Dear Polar Bear,

Oh my goodness. My heart goes out to you. That sounds sooo painful and sooo difficult to have gone through, to recover through and to remember. Yes, it must have been an act of God that you are still alive. You are here. I'm proud of you for sharing that horrible experience. I hope you find more peace and strength as your share your valuable experience with others. As you share maybe it will help others who are going through the same thoughts. May God heal you through and through.

Love, Yuki

borderline savvy said...

Congratulations on making it through one tough day. The memories must have been haunting. But you survived. You are still alive today. You are getting through these tough spells. I'm sure you talked with V about the anniversary, and I'll bet she had some good things to say.

The memories will fade, although it will take some time. As for your fear and shame, I think time and therapy will take the edge off of those as well. You're doing well, Polar Bear. Keep up your brave efforts.

Big hugs,
Suzanne

James said...

Polar,
The main thing is that you are still with our little family. I cherish you so very much. Thank-you for sharing your life with us.
All the best.

xxan said...

Hello Polar, something strange, yesterday I posted something on your last post and it is gone, and today I cannot post anything on your last post. Anyhow what I said was that you can always put into beautiful words what I can only THINK: "There are people that live there – right on the baseline, and they don’t know how good they have it." *Sigh* this is so true.

Me too, I often wonder if I want to live this way? This up/down up/down is so tiring.

You talk about work: this seems to me a very good thing. Keeps you going, keeps you motivated, keeps your mind of "things", I think, I don't want to impose my thoughts on you of course ... ...
I wish you ALL THE BEST !

Marissa Miller said...

Wow. You went further than me. I only got to the edge. I'm glad you made it out alive.