Saturday, May 07, 2005

Psychotic break

Sometimes crazy is a battle between the soul and a broken mind.

It started on Thursday, even though the decline must have been steadily going on since the last weekend. I saw V on Thursday, felt agitated and distracted somehow. Bits and pieces of our conversation made no sense to me, and words I tried to assemble seemed to fall apart, shattering like glass all around me. V could soothe me somehow. Her tone of voice was often steady, like a soothing balm on an open wound.

But the recent constant fear was like a thorn in the side of my chest, and it hurt just to breathe. The fear came and went, like small little tsunamis. And I'd be overwhemed one moment, barely catching my breath the next.

I went home and hid, after the session. I called V later in the afternoon, begging for an end to this. I couldn't stand it anymore. She got some stat medications around to me - Lorazepam and Olanzapine. That seemed to calm me enough. At least I could keep the fear at bay. It didn't totally rid my paranoia. But it was tolerable. I got through the night.

Friday I called V again to check in. In the afternoon, my case manager came over. I can't remember what I'd done, but found myself barricaded in my living room. Desk against the door that led into the hallway and kitchen and bedrooms. Couch against the main door. When my case manager knocked on the door, I'd been asleep on the couch that was pushed up against the door. The look in her eye when she saw me triggered all sorts of alarm bells in my mind. I didn't want to be taken away to some locked ward, so I tried so hard to play cool. As cool as I could manage anyway.

We talked about going into the hospital. I said no. She'd brought me more medication. Up another 100mg to a total of 600mg Seroquel. I hadn't eaten anything all day, and took that on an empty stomach. I pleaded for her not to leave (why did I do that?). It made me sound so pathetic, so scared. I hated that tone of my own voice.

We finally came to a compromise and she called C for me. And waited with me until C arrived to pick me up. C helped me pack an overnight bag - that's when I noticed some slashes on my wrist, and couldn't for the life of me remember when I'd done it. It freaked me out because for a moment, I'd thought someone had done that to me while I was sleeping. It looked fresh and raw - like a few hours old. I still don't remember doing it.

By the time C picked me up and drove me across town, the Seroquel was kicking it, and I was falling asleep. We stopped to pick up some takeaways, and I threw up against a tree.

C tried to feed me dinner, but I took one mouthful and threw up again. That's when she put me to bed instead. I must have slept from 6pm that evening till 8am Saturday morning. I don't remember a deeper or sound sleep I've had in a long long time.

And I think that solid night's sleep did a lot for me. No more voices, no more twisting images in my mind, no more fear (well, maybe a little). C brought me home this afternoon. I've been trying to understand what happened. But I won't dwell too much on it. I'm going to take my Seroquel now and hit the bed. I'm afraid if I don't, it'll all come back again.


The Mass Defective said...

I've very proud of you for making that call to V for help. I'm glad the case worker came over. Don't think they make house calls here in the US, least they don't where I'm at.

It's good that you were able to sleep and it helped improve things for you.

Most of all, I'm glad you're still with us. It is hard, and there are setbacks, but I hope you're able to keep hanging on. Please take care of you!

James said...

Awww HANG IN THERE!!!! (((((BIG HUGS FOR YOU))))) I know how you felt when you put the couch up against the door. I often put lock the door knob, the dead bolt and the chain. Sometimes I even put a chair up against the door. I also relate to your barrage of "little tsunami's." Know that I am there with you in spirit.

Yuki said...

Hang in there Polar Bear! Peace to you. I'm glad there are people around you that are helping and that can be there to suppport you. You did the right thing to call for help. You're wonderful, Polar Bear. I believe in you.

borderline savvy said...

You were very wise and courageous throughout your whole ordeal. I'm also glad you called V for help. I don't get housecalls, either. I'm glad the Seroquel helped. It seems like you are taking a lot of it, and that no doubt helped you sleep. And sleep is so healing, isn't it?

Be very gentle with yourself as you recover from this incident. Just pick yourself up and take the next step. A braver Bear I've never seen!

((((((((Polar Bear))))))))

Take good care of yourself!

xxan said...

(((((((big hugs from me too
for you)))))

Do know that I keep following your blog. I care for you. Not always, but in a lot of cases I know what you are going through if you talk about fear, anxiety, not wanting to be locked up. I've been there... (too long)

Also realize, I keep repeating myself here, sorry, that so much good people care for you a lot. this is the proof. Black on white.

Tx for looking at my horses. Tx for liking them and finding them gorgious. This touches me. I have no children, so I adopt animals, and they ARE like kids to me. Only much easier, less noisy and less stressing, all on the contrary.

You are strong, we love you and TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE. That is my experience.

xxan said...

And, Polar, I KNOW I am very lucky, still, thanks for reminding me this :-)