Today was such a hard day. I spent it largely in the company of people. But I didn’t say much. I watched people talking. I watched people smiling and laughing. It was like I was watching TV with the sound on mute. It was like I was watching myself amidst all the color and movement, and I couldn’t quite communicate with the person that looked like me standing there, all alone, like a barren island in the middle of a great big ocean.
There seemed to be like a dance that people do. Secret handshakes and all that, and somehow, I’d missed out on the steps. Somehow I wasn’t in on the great big joke. So I wasn’t laughing. Sometimes I just felt so stupid. But most of the time I just felt lost and bereft.
Driving home tonight, I wanted to crash my car. I wanted to do something impulsive because I felt so confused, so lost, so alone. I wanted to do something, anything that would take away all those feelings. I didn’t want to come home alone to a dark empty apartment. In the past, I probably would have done something. It would have been a knee jerk reaction.
But I’m so much more careful now. In thinking through my actions.
How do I even begin to explain this? I don’t know if I could.
Sometimes stray dogs just never find their place. You’d think I’d be so happy to have been at the dog show for the day, and to come home now to the cold dark alley with all the happy memories of blue ribbons and best of show. But all it does, is make this place colder and darker than I remembered it. All it does, is make me realize how other people live, and how other people are, and how different, how set apart I am.
There is a reason why some dogs are strays. There is a reason why they never find their way home.
It’s because they don’t have one.