Friday, June 24, 2005

Broken mind

It comes apart at the seams.

The world is reduced to a prison corridor. Stark white light from above, hiding nothing, casting no shadows, except for the ones in my own mind. Down the hallway, into another, exactly the same. I’m trapped, and there is no escape. I hear the jingle of keys as the Keepers walk by me. They do nothing but taunt my helplessness and deepen my despair.

I’m alone, and inside here, it is like a death tomb, full of people waiting to die. Screams and howling echoing through my mind, bouncing off the walls and slamming back into me. You smell desperation everywhere.

Why has my own mind forsaken me?


The Mass Defective said...

Sounds like you're slipping back into the darkness and I'm worried about you.

You mentioned desperation in your post, which can go either way. Desperation to die or desperation to live. We have to keep the scaled tilted towards life. Guess maybe that's where the distraction and self-soothing they teach us in DBT comes in to play. To keep that scale from tipping to far towards death.

Please try those skills, take a walk, go for a swim, read a book, sit mindlessly playing games on the computer (my personal favorite), something to keep your mind occupied elsewhere.

Please take care of yourself!

James said...

I feel like I am in the cell next to you.

Yuki said...

You sound like you feel scared, alone, despair, afraid & helpless. That must be horrible. ((((((Polar Bear)))))))
Who are the Keepers? Why won't they give you the keys?

Love you! Hang in there! You can email me anytime!

V said...

I wish I had some encouraging words for you Polar, but not much comes to mind.

But I promise that you won't be in that prison long. The walls are thin, and you don't need a key.. Just break on through into daylight.

Take care, friend.

Anonymous said...

Dear Polar,
It sounds very lonely and a horrible Polar.Im sorry you have to be tormented this way,you dont deserve this.None of us deserve any of this.
We care very much about you and God does too,dont ever forget that.


borderline savvy said...

(((((((((((((Polar Bear)))))))))))))

You're getting out of the prison, and it may be a little scary, but you have grown stronger and will do fine on your own. You're not helpless; you just have lost touch with the strength inside of you. I know it's like a tomb, but you will come out on the other side. Your mind will return to once again be your ally. Get lots of rest.
Big hugs,

Polar Bear said...

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate your encouragement and comments. It's been rough going the last week or so.

I slowly trying to claw my way back up.

Thanks for being there.
Polar Bear