Sunday, June 05, 2005

Cold

Long weekend.

Cold dark days. I just want to hide away. Not speak, not be seen, perhaps not even to exist.

You don't know how much I wanted to reach out for the pills when they called me on Friday to tell me my case worker had broken her arm, and she'd be away for a month. A month! I know it wasn't rejection. Not of me, personally. But how else could I feel? How else do I know how to feel?

The days go by so quickly, and yet the seconds go by so slowly. I'm crawling on my hands and knees, as if I've forgotten how to walk.

I'm so afraid, in this isolation, that I would simply disappear, and no one would know... And yet to make a connection with this world seems to be beyond what I can do. I keep looking at people's faces, and they all turn away, as if I am a leper, full of disease and shame. How do I reach out to a world that promises nothing but pain and abandonment?

7 comments:

Sandy said...

Oh sweet polar bear, I would know if you disappeared. I've been struggling with the same thing - this sense that there's really nothing more to my identity that a few decisions which aren't so firm...and that if anyone looked to carefully they'd see right through. You're not invisibile...you are here, you do matter. love/hugs...

xxan said...

Polar, I agree totally with Sandy: you dó matter and to quite some people, I am súre. (look at all the blogger friends you have and who love you and care a lot about you! ) I would even say you have a kind of charisma that "draws" people to you ...

I was glad to read that you are "against" too many pills too. Me too, I have been taking pills (a lot) for over 5 years now and at the same time +/- 75 % of this time I STILL FELT VERY DEPRESSED. Can you believe now that my trust in meds is very low?

Have you been able to cut down on meds in the course of your BPD?

If you have, I would be very interested and you could/would motivate me to GRADUALLY AND SLOWLY do the same. (and of course talk to pdoc about it). But at least I would know what I want. (to achieve)

It is winter, isn't it? I am always much worse in winter time than in summer. Now wé are in spring and you know me, green fingers, I do feel better than in winter. Could that be supplementary cause too, for you?

Anonymous said...

At last Ive finally found a blog on here thats actually worth reading.

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

Yes, I too would notice if you weren't here! It would be sad. It must be difficult to have to let go of a case worker for the month. I hope that this month passes quickly for you. You are awesome! I agree that you do have a kind of charisma that draws people to you!
Love, Jo

V said...

Just want to let you know that your words are read and have been acknowledged.

We know what it's like when we feel so defeated and have to learn to walk again.

I know how hard it is to make connections.

Please feel that there are a lot of us fighting the same battle. We can be there for each other.

Please feel warm.

Anonymous said...

The world can be so cruel sometimes.Sure, they understand when people hurt or reject them,but they dont realize when they do it to somebody else.
Sometimes when I feel rejected or ignored I want to just lash out,I want to do something to hurt them or make them angry.I feel bad that I hurt them but I just want them to understand how they made me feel.

Theres a lot of interesting blogs on here.
Billy

Polar Bear said...

Sandy,
Thanks. It means a lot to know you'll notice...

Xxan
Yes, it's winter, and it's pretty cold and grey. I'm sure the weather doesn't help.

Yuki,
Thanks for being there.

V and Billy
Thanks for your support. I do appreciate it.