Yesterday was a tough day. After much soul searching, I finally let go of something I should have laid to rest a long time ago. Looking back, I don’t think it could have happened sooner. But I’m at a point in my life when I can finally say enough is enough, and some things just aren’t meant to be, and so should be laid to rest. Let the dead be buried, as they say.
As with all funerals, it is a sad day. In movies, it often rains. Yesterday was grey and cold. I almost wept, but I didn’t. In some ways, it has come as a relief, as though the great suffering that accompanied this cancer has finally come to an end. You want to cry, but at the same time, you know it is for the best. And in that, a person finds calm in resignation and acceptance.
I also got a speeding ticket in the mail. And so ends my spotless driving record. Another end of an era. I was mad as hell at first, but it’s done, and I realise there’s nothing I can do about it, but learn from this and drive within the speed limit next time.
My heart feels shattered, as if in pieces today. I still have not shed a tear. I’m almost stoic about it all. Nothing I can do now but soldier on in public, and hide when I get home. This numbness is nothing new. This numbness verging on despair is nothing new. I know how deep the abyss is. I know how long the journey within is. I know the paths intimately. I’m not even scared anymore. I’m just very very sad.