Thursday, June 09, 2005


Yesterday was a tough day. After much soul searching, I finally let go of something I should have laid to rest a long time ago. Looking back, I don’t think it could have happened sooner. But I’m at a point in my life when I can finally say enough is enough, and some things just aren’t meant to be, and so should be laid to rest. Let the dead be buried, as they say.

As with all funerals, it is a sad day. In movies, it often rains. Yesterday was grey and cold. I almost wept, but I didn’t. In some ways, it has come as a relief, as though the great suffering that accompanied this cancer has finally come to an end. You want to cry, but at the same time, you know it is for the best. And in that, a person finds calm in resignation and acceptance.

I also got a speeding ticket in the mail. And so ends my spotless driving record. Another end of an era. I was mad as hell at first, but it’s done, and I realise there’s nothing I can do about it, but learn from this and drive within the speed limit next time.

My heart feels shattered, as if in pieces today. I still have not shed a tear. I’m almost stoic about it all. Nothing I can do now but soldier on in public, and hide when I get home. This numbness is nothing new. This numbness verging on despair is nothing new. I know how deep the abyss is. I know how long the journey within is. I know the paths intimately. I’m not even scared anymore. I’m just very very sad.


Anonymous said...

Very powerful...there's so much power in giving up something you've outgrown but have been very attached to. It was serving some purpose - and that's the loss you're mourning right now. You'll come together again - don't deny yourself the sadness though...I think it's part of the process. Love and hugs.

Jennynyc said...

Wish I could give you a hug.

James said...

I think funerals are so surreal and over-blown. I understand the numbness. Everything seems to be moving around me at hyperspeed but I am standing still.

I think I am due for a speeding ticket because I have been so good with my driving for too long.


Yuki said...

I'm sorry to hear that it was a rough day. Here's a big hug for you, (((((((Polar Bear))))))))!!!

My husband got a speeding ticket just a little while ago on the way to CHURCH as a PASTOR! Talk about embarassing!!! It felt horrible. But, he's a much slower driver, now! I think it has to happen to everyone at least once!

Yuki said...

I just want to say "Thank you!" I feel less alone in the world with you as my friend.

Kitten said...

Sometimes we do have to let go. There are things that we hold onto even though we know it is detremental. Glad you were able to do it.