Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Ghosts of time

First day of June.

How time flies.

The meeting yesterday went well. I guess I was expecting something more concrete, but all I got were a few vague promises. Certainly nothing that I can build something on. But time will tell, there are more meetings to attend, and then hopefully, the picture will be clearer.

It’s so hard to describe my feelings recently. I guess I’ve been living in a sort of vacuum for a while now. I feel the pressure sucking me in, the weight sitting on my chest so that it becomes hard to breathe. And all I am doing is waiting, waiting to be sucked clean through to the other side. Is that really what I want?

Maybe being on the other side is better than the experience of this emptiness, of this great weight that is bearing down on me. Maybe being depressed is better than not feeling anything at all.

I keep thinking about all the choices I have in this life. Decisions that I make every day that changes the little things,… and the bigger decisions that could change my whole life. And I just can’t seem to find the right path, and I’m terrified of making the wrong decision that would later come back to haunt me. I have enough hauntings without creating more ghosts for myself.

Creatures of the past came knocking on my door just yesterday. There are not enough dead bolts that could have kept them outside. They seeped through the cracks in the door to invade my life once more.

Sometimes I am so weak.

Too many voices in my head now. Too many ghosts pushing and shoving to get my attention. I can no longer hear myself think. I want to bash my own head in so that it will stop. I want to leap off a building so that I land in a great big splat on the ground. I want to exorcise all these ghosts in my mind.

Just for that little bit of peace.

Sometimes I am so weak.


Anonymous said...

Dont be ashamed of weakness.Your not made of steel,your human,thats very normal.And I think it takes a lot of strength to admit your weaknesses,most people are afraid too.


Yuki said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts & blogging! I'm glad the meeting went well. I hope that things do get clearer and more concrete. I'm sure you will make the right decision. Just take your time and really think it through.
I hate those voices and feelings that bring you down! I hate them! Arg! Please don't listen to them. They don't have your best in mind! You are precious.

borderline savvy said...

Hey. I know the feeling of not knowing if it is better to be depressed than to not feel at all. I think it is better to be depressed. Numbing out only stops us from living life.

About the voices - have you told V? Should you increase the Zyprexa or the Seroquel? Talk to your pdoc, or follow the plan that you made with him and with V.

Above all, hang in their, sweet Polar Bear. You are not going to be sucked to the other side. You are going to become increasingly healthy. I look forward to watching it happen.