Thursday, June 16, 2005


I went to see V today.

It's easy to fool around
it's harder to keep the faith

Sometimes therapy is so damn hard. It feels as though I should know all the answers already. And yet peace is so elusive. As if it’s all slipping through my fingers, like sand.

There are moments when everything makes sense. Everything seems to click, and I finally make out recognisable shapes among the shadows. And yet other times, I can’t really see. I am blinded by the brightness of it all.

But I wanna settle down
no matter what it takes

Sometimes I wonder if I am truly committed to this whole process. Therapy is like holding up a giant mirror in front of yourself and seeing the ugliness reflect back at you. Some parts are so hideous you want to crawl away like the reptile that looks back at you.

(Words in italics are lyrics from “Drive” by Westlife)


Sandy said...

In my own therapy, I've been relieved to discover that so much of the pain over the years was caused by forces outside my control...I'm guessing you've done the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had. Go easier on yourself sweetheart...

Yuki said...

Dear Polar Bear,

I see you like a rose that's been trampled on and hurt. You've closed up because of the pain but you still have a bud of hope. You are like that rose that will bloom. In time, it will bloom. You are that beautiful rose, not garbage or refuse. Not ugly nor horrid... but beautiful in your core & essential being! That's how I see you and I know God sees you that way...beautiful. God promises in His Word, "I'm close to the brokenhearted." He is with you and close to you in your struggle. Lean on Him and He will hold you up. Praying for you!
Love, Yuki

Anonymous said...

Polar Bear

I understand what you mean about the hidious parts,wanting to get away from it and get better.
I hope your therapys helping you,I havnt had much luck with it so far.

Im sorry I cant email you now,we got a new computer and I cant figure out how to send messages,its very confusing.

Ill see ya,

James said...

P.Bear: I totally agree with you about therapy. I have been wondering lately how much it is helping me because I always seem to feel worse when I leave. Although other days I feel like I have found some things out. Anyway, I really appreciate the way that you describe your illness. You really know how to capture the things that we suffer into words.

On my art, try going to the website from my "link" section on my Sanitarium blog. It is the 6th link in the "links" section on the right. Hope that helps.

borderline savvy said...

I can relate to peace slipping through your hands like sand. Therapy can be frustratingly slow. But on the other hand, it can run by topics so fast that it seems that I don't have time to digest all the ideas. And this week in particular I haven't had time to digest the ideas.

Therapy can also be a mirror reflecting your true, good self, not just your ugly side. Work on seeing that side. I hope V is doing that for you.

Big hugs,

butterflies said...

I have great faith that one day you will look into that mirror and see the beautiful you.The one that has peace,that experiences joy,that feels loved.Thats the real person but its the one that you havent got to know yet.Your time is coming sweetie.All the pain and sorrow will be as a passing shadow.

V said...

I'm resistant to therapy myself. And I'm jealous of anyone who can go to therapy and actually get real good use out of it.

Although, I do miss going somewhere once a week for an hour and just talk about *me*

Sometimes the best times I've had with my former therapist is where we just sit and talk about anything. I guess that was therapy in itsself where I get to just have a "normal" conversation with someone. Something I was not able to do outside of therapy. Sad, but that's how it went for me.