Wednesday, June 08, 2005


So much agony for decisions to be made that go against everything I have worked for, going against every fibre in my body. I’ve taken a long hard look at my life to date – the patterns that can only be described as predictable, the behaviours so full of despair and desperation. Almost everything I’ve ever done, ever started on, to its abrupt ending – the escape, the fleeing.

Are you done running?

They call me a transient, but I see myself a stray dog. I’d go anywhere, if people were willing to take me in. I’d lay down my values, for the promise of a warm rug and a bone. It doesn’t take much to buy my love, if love was something I could understand.

Sometimes it all seems so simple, and yet when things are so emotionally loaded, it really isn’t quite so simple. Not everyone sees, not everyone understands. Perhaps it’s not reasonable to expect people to be. But then, when facing a great gaping chasm, it’s hard not to want the warmth of another human being beside you. It’s the loneliest thing in the world, and so awfully cold.


borderline savvy said...

I'm sorry you're going through such misery as you have these decisions to make in your life. Are you sure that going somewhere is actually "running"? Not that you need to go, but labeling that makes it "bad" doesn't seem helpful.

You have an intense need for closeness, while at the same time distancing from people. It's good that you're examining your patterns, and very brave of you. I admire your courage. I personally love stray dogs.

Take good care of yourself.
Big hugs,

The Mass Defective said...

I think it's human nature to want to love and be loved. Be accepted for who you are. Even those of us that are afraid of that level of closeness still desire it. I'm in the process of giving up my own values for love, so I certainly understand when you say it doesn't take much to buy your love.

Please take care of yourself Polar.

Anonymous said...

I love stray dogs to,Id take them all in if I could.They'll love anyone who would just love them bach.
But you certainly have much more to offer than a stray dog.

Rejection is so hard,but then after a while we just learn to expect it and try to deal with it the best we can.Like maybe going on the internet trying to find people to talk to,someone who might befriend you,which isnt so easy when you have maybe ten different personalitys.

But you have a great blog,you really touch people.I cant imagine you not being able to find love or friends, you certainly have a lot of friends here.Id probably end up pissing people off.I have a very impulsive mind,all kinds of things flying around in my head,and yet I rarely ever utter a word.I dont think Ill be getting a blog.
Ill just keep reading your guy's blogs.There great blogs,I really enjoy reading them.And I dont want to end up offending you too so Ill try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible o.k?.So long.


James said...

Hang on.
I'm having a rough one the last few days myself. Life is so confusing sometimes.

I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.

xxan said...

Polar, I read your last poem, because they are, each one of them, poems, to me. The gift of the word, you have. What Billy says is so true, I often said it before: You have one of most beautiful blogs I know, "you really touch people" Me, as Billy, I am sure you must be able to find love of friends, and indeed "you certainly have a lot of friends here." Just look at your reply's.

Tx Billy for your words to Polar.

And, James, your ever sweet self, thank you too for your holding hands with her.

PS Indeed, Polar, I am still planting flowers, so most of them will only bloom (blossom?) next year, but then I will send you e-summer-flowers in the middle of your winter :-)

Polar Bear said...

You're right about labeling it makes it bad, and that's not helpful. You're beginning to sound like V!!

Yes, I can see you're in a similar boat too. I hope things work out for you.

I think you have a lot of insight which can help other people. I always wondered why you don't have a blog. You should. And when you write, don't worry about other people - write for yourself, and be honest. I'm sure it will be a good thing for you.

Thanks. I will hold your hand. Thanks for offering it...

e-summer flowers would be lovely!

xxan said...

I'm preparing them already, the e-flowers.

No, I was not at all high in my last post. I wouldn't be able to write a blogpost nicely, if I was. Good or bad ? The only thing that is bad for me (except for my BP, but let's suppose we accepted that) is my disturbed sleep. I have no sound and long sleep. And as Manica said, this is a very important thing to " us ", having sound sleeps.