It’s been a busy week. Productive, and interesting. Those two things are a good combination. It’s been very unsettling for me in terms of my future here, but I’ve come to realise that I cannot control the future. There are some decisions that need to be made, and they are not mine to make. However, there are things that I can do right now that could perhaps influence the future, increase my chances of having doors open to me. So I’ve been working hard at learning things and taking initiative in planting seeds here and there. I have a sort of plan in mind, and sometimes, I do feel optimistic about it all. But I am also aware that this has every chance of blowing up in my face.
In general, there have been good moments. And there have been bad moments. Bad moments come mostly early in the mornings, when I am waking up, and the world is dark and there is a dread sitting in the pit of my gut telling me I have no resources or energy to fight this battle, and that it is better to give up. Good moments come when I am actively talking to various people at work, and talking about possibilities and dreams. Good moments come from having talked to V, and knowing that I have the weapons to fight this battle, and that I don’t necessarily have to do this all alone.
My emotions have tipped one way or the other, and I’m not sure where I am at, at the moment. I guess I am still just making my way back from that deep dark place I was at a couple of weeks ago...
I’m almost afraid that this journey will end soon, and that I will be pitched back into that hell. Surely I can’t maintain this state of high energy and level of optimism for any length of time… I hate how the highs are so high and the lows are so low, and how when you are in one state or the other, it is impossible to see how things can be any different… So what’s real and what’s not?