Thursday, July 14, 2005

Reality or unreality

It’s been a busy week. Productive, and interesting. Those two things are a good combination. It’s been very unsettling for me in terms of my future here, but I’ve come to realise that I cannot control the future. There are some decisions that need to be made, and they are not mine to make. However, there are things that I can do right now that could perhaps influence the future, increase my chances of having doors open to me. So I’ve been working hard at learning things and taking initiative in planting seeds here and there. I have a sort of plan in mind, and sometimes, I do feel optimistic about it all. But I am also aware that this has every chance of blowing up in my face.

In general, there have been good moments. And there have been bad moments. Bad moments come mostly early in the mornings, when I am waking up, and the world is dark and there is a dread sitting in the pit of my gut telling me I have no resources or energy to fight this battle, and that it is better to give up. Good moments come when I am actively talking to various people at work, and talking about possibilities and dreams. Good moments come from having talked to V, and knowing that I have the weapons to fight this battle, and that I don’t necessarily have to do this all alone.

My emotions have tipped one way or the other, and I’m not sure where I am at, at the moment. I guess I am still just making my way back from that deep dark place I was at a couple of weeks ago...

I’m almost afraid that this journey will end soon, and that I will be pitched back into that hell. Surely I can’t maintain this state of high energy and level of optimism for any length of time… I hate how the highs are so high and the lows are so low, and how when you are in one state or the other, it is impossible to see how things can be any different… So what’s real and what’s not?


Yuki said...

I'm happy for you that things are going well right now at work! That's awesome! Some goals and ambitions! Great!
My mom used to think I had bi-polar or manic depression because I had highs or lows without a lot of inbetween. The truth is that the high was my normal, natural self. Just the lows were so pronounced that the "highs" weren't manic highs but just my normal personality. Maybe that's the case with you?

The Mass Defective said...


I'm glad you've been keeping busy and also that you're making choices now that will help you in the future. Everything we do runs the chance of blowing up in our face...and when I say "we" I mean everybody, not just those of us with mental illness. Think it's just a matter of trying to hold on to that optimism so that if things do start turning towards the negative, you still have the desire and will to adapt and make changes to move things back into the right direction.

It's so good to hear that you're having good moments. Seems like you haven't had too many of those lately. And you're right, you don't have to fight alone. You have people willing to do what they can to help you, including those of us in cyberspace. Look to them if things start going downhill. Look to them even when things are going well, share your joy.

Geisha_Girl said...

The small, achievable steps approach to reaching our distant goals might be worthwhile plotting out, if you haven't already done so Polar.

The smaller, headed in the right direction achievements then give us the impetus to keep at it, or so they say.

And there's always alternatives if things don't work out exactly how we hope or plan, so go for it - maybe with a Plan B in mind.


HeyJules said...

I would love it if you would email me about the post you left on my blog:

I would love to talk about some things with you after reading your blog.

Polar Bear said...

Hey Yuki. Well, my highs are definately highs, I think. I have this constant buzz in my head, like I am in overdrive. It's kinda weird, really.

Thanks Sid. Your presence in cyberspace certainly helps me a lot. Thanks for being there. I hope you will find some positive moments in your life too - I know it's been hard for you recently. Hope you keep your focus on being well, and good luck on that walk. I think it's great for you do to something like that....

Yes, Plan B - good reminder for me to have that somewhere. Maybe even a Plan C.....

Thanks - check your email.

Polar Bear

Anonymous said...

I understand, but try to stick with being optimistic. It will make you more confident and that will show through. People can since your negetivity.
Im glad things are going well for you now. Keep up the good work.

Take care

borderline savvy said...

I am so glad that things are going better for you. I know how good it is to be busy, and how good it is to be making plans. Good for you!

I'm sorry you're having bad moments in the morning when you are getting ready to start your day. Are you taking your meds in the morning? Because if you are, they may be running out of energy right as you get up. So it could be chemical.

I'm glad you're talking to people at work. That helps so much, and it is so much of an improvement from where you have been. I encourage you to keep it up if you can. Relating to real people, not just online folk, is a real inspiration. It makes me feel more normal, in addition to inspiring me.

If you read my blog, you'll find out that I am using Acceptance of what is as a DBT tool to cope with reality, whether positive or negative. I encourage you to give that a try. It isn't about saying the bad things are good; it's about acknowledging things as they are and facing the pain now so you don't have to suffer. Just a thought...

Polar Bear said...

You're right. Negativity does tend to show through to other people, and if you are confident, other people can tell too.
Sometimes it is hard though, to be positive when there are a lot of things weighing you down...

Mornings are always hard for me. I don;t know why. It's that period when you're barely awake, and you're not quite asleep. It's a terrible time of day...

About DBT acceptence - yes, it is an important lesson. It's true that acceptence can bring a lot of peace. It's a hard one, but good to put into practice. I'm glad this has been helping you too.

Polar Bear