Monday, July 25, 2005


I went to Mark’s for dinner on Friday. After dinner, we watched Finding Neverland. Overall it was a pleasant evening. I always feel relaxed when I’m at Mark’s. I’ll have to have them over for a pizza night next time. I think maintaining the relationship despite the fact that we don’t work together anymore is important. It’s one of the things that makes this place home for me.

Weekend was quiet. I think I needed the time to recover. Recover from what? I don’t know. Some sort of brief mind invasion.

I didn’t do anything worthwhile. Watched TV, did a bit of reading. I seem to have lost interest in reading, which I really regret. These days I go to the library and pick up the odd book and spend the next 3 weeks struggling to finish it before it’s due. You wouldn’t believe I was the same person who would read 2 or 3 books a week, every week for an entire year or more. There was a hunger there then, some sort of fire,… which just isn’t there anymore. It feels dead now. I’ve tried several times to revive it, but either I’m not picking the right books that stimulate my interest, or it’s me. Something about me now.

I didn’t go out running or swimming either this weekend. I felt tired, physically. Just so exhausted that I sat in my living room staring into space for extended periods of time. Didn’t feel much like reading, didn’t feel like doing any cleaning. Just wanted to be alone, just wanted to sit there, willing myself to disappear. But of course, I didn’t.

Strangely I felt calm, and at peace somehow.

Must be the meds kicking in...


disso_k said...

Glad you had a nice Friday night. What is it with reading, hey? I was much the same once, devouring book after book. I've bought a few books this year and am yet to finish any of them. Such a shame. However tempting it is, I'm glad you didn't disappear

Yuki said...

I'm glad that you're doing a better. I was worried about you. Sounds like you're just needing time to recover from last weekend. It must have taken a lot of energy out of you. Things that take emotional energy can be so draining. I'm glad you're giving yourself that time you need. I'm glad you're feeling peaceful.

borderline savvy said...

I'm really glad you had such a relaxing weekend. Even staring into space can be therapeutic, I think. And I know you had the life ripped out of you last week, so this is for the good. Maybe your meds are kicking in, but you are following your body's lead when it comes to resting. Especially after having been under so much stress at work. Very healthy.

About the reading: I have gone in and out of phases of either devouring books, or going on a holiday from them. I don't know why, but don't despair -- you're zeal for reading will come back when you least expect it. I'll bet this is just a phase.

And I'm really glad you're keeping Mark as a friend. That's a really nice relationship to have, not to mention keeping a contact alive who might here of jobs.

HeyJules said...

Glad to see you're back posting again. You had me a bit worried there.

I know what you mean about reading...I can go for months not reading a thing and then all of a sudden, I can't get enough. What's weird is I either read all fiction or all non-fiction, but each period of reading is different. Maybe you need to shake things up and pick a whole new subject or genre of reading...

The Mass Defective said...

I'm glad you had a nice quiet weekend and I'm glad you did go to Mark's. Sometimes it does us good to socialize. I was at my sister's over the weekend which was some help for me.

As for the reading, have you tried to read one of your favorites again? I've found that by starting with an oldie but goodie, it perks up my interest in reading.

Hope you maintain the calmness. You certainly deserve to be at peace instead of struggling all the time.

Take care Polar. Hugsssss

butterflies said...

Thats a lovely calm post Polar.
If you arent reading at the mo,so what? Its a phase.Good to hear of your visiting times and the everydayness(!) in your voice.

Anonymous said...

I often feel that way too. Just want to drift away.


Polar Bear said...

I hope you get into the mood for reading those books you have. Reading used to be such a soothing activity for me once. I'm sure you've felt the same at one time.

Yes, these "episodes" tend to suck the energy right out of me. It is very physically draining, not just emotionally. Strange, eh?

Yeah, I think staring into space is therapeutic. I do hope the reading thing is just a phase. It used to do me a lot of good, esp. when you get into some really good books.

Hmm... good idea there. I might pick up something that's a different genre and see how I go. Thanks!

There's another good suggestion - try an oldie but a goodie. Actually I did that a few months ago. I re-read a Stephen King (my favourite author) and it was so long ago since I read the book that I'd forgotten most of the details, so yeah, it was great to read it again. I may have to go pick up another one...

Always good to hear from you! Hugs.

Hang in there Billy. I know you're going through some tough times too. I hope you will also find some times when things are better and more tolerable...

Polar Bear

BipolarPrincess said...

I'm starting a sort of blogland support group for survivors of mental illness and their families. I was wondering if I could share your blog address? I explain more on my blogs:

Email me

Dawn said...

hi polar bear and thanx for visiting me. i absolutely loved finding neverland. i used to read a lot too and am also having issues with WANTING to read. it used to be fun, but now feels like work. i just don't get it.