Thursday, July 28, 2005

Soul in decay

Sometimes when things get too much, I stop doing things. Like I stop eating. I stop drinking (water). I stop communicating. I stop doing things I need to get done (work). Sometimes, I almost stop breathing. Just waiting. Waiting for something to drop from heaven. I figure that if I just keep waiting, something will happen, a sort of upheaval that will either toss me back into the abyss of depression or at least give me the energy to go on with my life.

I don't know if it is better to be depressed, or not to feel anything at all. I try so hard not to feel anything. I try so hard at controlling my emotions. It's so evident, even V can see right through me.

So often I go out there, put myself out there and what? Wait for people to walk away from me, wait for people to say, no thanks. I try to go out there and do my best, but my best is not enough for this world. I go out there and lay out my soul, but there are always people better than me, people that other people would want. I go out there and try to speak, but realise I'm not articulate enough, not strong enough, not good enough. People can't see what's inside of me because the paths into me are so twisted and dark. I wouldn't want anyone to really look into me anyway. They'd only see a soul in decay, a soul that tries to be real, but fails miserably.


Barb said...

I think I understand. When I feel overwhelmed by the things I need to/normally do, I end up doing nothing at all.

Yuki said...

I can relate to the not feeling good enough and that my best isn't enough. And feeling like I'm scared to let people really see the real me. I too fear rejection and would rather walk away then let it happen to me. It's such a horrifying thing to put yourself out there for people!

I just hope you realize how LOVED you are right now for who you are!! I love you! I think you're great! You don't need to impress me, you already have with your kind, sweet heart; your encouraging words; your articulate blogs; your creative writing; and your honesty & courage to just be you in blogland.

I've come to realize, sometimes people love or not love based upon their ability to love and not on the object of their affection's worth, value or loveableness. Like God, He loves us because He is love and can love perfectly. So He loves us perfectly, unconditionally and without wavering. But, even though He is worthy, I often fail to love Him and honour Him the way I ought because I'm weaker at that than Him.

Yuki said...

PS - Spike is a bichon frise. Small white dog with curly hair - similar to a poodle.

V said...

I can relate. All about not being good enough, articulate enough, good looking enough, thin enough... all that.

Well, what the hell.

Ever seen someone who YOU though was not good enough and the rest? Yet they seem to not feel as we do but rather seem happy about who they are? Now, WHERE do these people get their drinking water (I swear it must be in the water)

Hang in there friend. :)

cat said...

You are a caring and lovely person - I know that from the very considerate things you have posted to my blog. I really hope that this low time starts to ease soon.


Polar Bear said...

Thanks for sharing that, Barb.

True - God still loves us despite all our imperfections. Thanks for reminding me of that. It gives me a bit of courage and hope.

They do say that ignorance is bliss....

Thanks, Cat, for dropping by. I know this is a busy time for you with the moving and all....

Polar Bear

James said...

The way that you write is so expressive. I use to write like that before the meds shut down my brain. God, how I miss being able to write well. I can relate to everything you are saying here but especially the part that you give everything and it's still not good enough. This is how I feel every day and it breaks my heart to know that I am never going to be like everyone else. I guess I should celebrate that and I do but goddamn it hurts to be so different and alone.

JC said...

Wow, you totally summed up how I get when I am depressed. I become this inert bunch of molecules that exists. That is me when depressed. I simply exist. Thanks for this description. Sometimes it is nice to know someone understands....that comatose state.

Polar Bear said...

Yeah, it hurts, but I know you do the best you can, and that's ok ;)

Thanks - I've just found me another blog sister :)

Polar Bear

xxan said...

Polar, and it must be agonizing to feel how you feel now, but me too, I think you will have better times again, you are so sportive (I always admire that, means you have character) AND I will tell you, forever and a day (you must be bored of my repeating this time and again), YOU HAVE THE GIFT OF WRITING, THE GIFT OF THE WORD. As no-one else I know. Do you actually believe me if I say so?

No boasting here: but I have a univ degree in English and Dutch Literature and Grammar, so I can tell ... ... !

(((take care)))

Polar Bear said...

I've missed you... Thank you - yes, I believe you.


Geisha_Girl said...

"Sometimes when things get too much, I stop doing things. Like I stop eating. I stop drinking (water). I stop communicating. I stop doing things I need to get done (work). Sometimes, I almost stop breathing. Just waiting. Waiting for something to drop from heaven."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WOW!! That's ME!! I relate to that so much.


sansanity said...

ok i have to agree with ms. jane--that is so me to. but you made me think of it in a new light. i thought i was just being self-destructive. but maybe i am just trying to be still enough to simulate death? i don't know.
"soul in decay" it is such an accurate description that it made me happy (which i know is such a contradiction). i guess it's like when you go to the dr. and you are trying to describe a pain and you can't find the words and you know if you don't find the right ones, it may have dire consequences as you may just be misdiagnosed.