Sometimes when things get too much, I stop doing things. Like I stop eating. I stop drinking (water). I stop communicating. I stop doing things I need to get done (work). Sometimes, I almost stop breathing. Just waiting. Waiting for something to drop from heaven. I figure that if I just keep waiting, something will happen, a sort of upheaval that will either toss me back into the abyss of depression or at least give me the energy to go on with my life.
I don't know if it is better to be depressed, or not to feel anything at all. I try so hard not to feel anything. I try so hard at controlling my emotions. It's so evident, even V can see right through me.
So often I go out there, put myself out there and what? Wait for people to walk away from me, wait for people to say, no thanks. I try to go out there and do my best, but my best is not enough for this world. I go out there and lay out my soul, but there are always people better than me, people that other people would want. I go out there and try to speak, but realise I'm not articulate enough, not strong enough, not good enough. People can't see what's inside of me because the paths into me are so twisted and dark. I wouldn't want anyone to really look into me anyway. They'd only see a soul in decay, a soul that tries to be real, but fails miserably.