Wednesday, July 20, 2005

They are here

Voices. Last night. And again tonight.... It's not a good sign.

Voices. Check. Paranoia? Check. I circled the block twice and doubled back this afternoon on my way to pick up my meds because I was sure there was this guy in a suit who was following me. And I was pretty sure this guy is not human.

It's dark now and my anxiety is increasing. I almost feel as if I can't catch my breath sometimes. I hate this.

Work - what can I say about work? I'm working harder than before, knowing time is running out. My new contract sat in my mailbox when I got home from work today. Yay, at least I have certainty till the end of this year. I should feel good, shouldn't I? So why the heaviness in my chest? Why the illogical fear?

C texted me today - said I'd been very quiet lately. I haven't seen her or called in over 2 weeks. She invited me to dinner on Sunday. That's a good thing, isn't it? And earlier this week - Mark emailed, asked me over for dinner on Friday, and to bring a DVD if I could. I suggested Robots and he said great.

And today - see, again, TODAY (is there a significance to today?) I got this call on my mobile (who's tapping my line?) - I got an interview next week for this company I've been desperately trying to join. This is good isn't it? Why does it feel as if my life is over?

I can't think properly. As if there are signals in the air that are corrupting my thoughts from conception. There is a constant flickering there in the back of my mind of different images, some horrific, some bloody, some neutral - are they memories? are they projections? are they hallucinations? I don't know. I don't know. But I want them to stop. Right. Now.


borderline savvy said...

Polar Bear, you need to get help, honey. Even though you don't like to, call the crisis team or V or C or your p-doc and tell them what is going on. You need your Zyprexa and maybe other meds.

As I said in my email, I believe you. That's why it's so important to call and get help. Don't wait. Don't try to handle this alone.

If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know. I've copied your blog. Now you must get help.

(((((((((((Polar Bear)))))))))))

My biggest hugs go out to you!
Take good care of my favorite bear!

Yuki said...

Yes, Polar Bear. I agree with Suzanne. Please get help! I'm your friend and I love you. Take care of you 'cause you're great!

Geisha_Girl said...

I've had the odd paranoid experience in my time.

Let us know how you go with the follow-up if you do seek meds or assistance.

Take care. :-)

disso_k said...

Oh Polar ... what a horrible space to be in! I hope things start to improve very very soon. Take care of yourself and let us know how things go.

James said...

I understand. I am feeling very similar these days. Feeling like everything is all messed up as if I was on LSD. Signals are switched around. I hope things improve for you soon.

The Mass Defective said...


I do hope you went to Mark's and that you go to C's on Sunday. I think it will do you good not to be alone, especially if your anxiety is on the rise and other symptoms are increasing as well. Hopefully keeping distracted will help lessen them.

Try to think about the positives...the new contract, the job interview. I know when the symptoms increase it's hard to focus on them (having trouble with that myself right now), but it's important that we try. Do you think maybe some of the anxiety is from getting these two bits of good news? I know when something good happens to me it seems so unfamiliar it does cause my anxiety to rise, that's why I was asking.

In any case, please take care Polar. Big Cyber Hugs

cat said...

Hey Polar.

I am worried about you sweetie. I don't really know you at all, but you seem like a lovely person and this all sounds really not nice for you. Reading others' comments, I think you need to see someone about getting meds sorted (if you haven't already).

Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs:
(*(*(*(*(*(Polar Bear*)*)*)*)*)


Polar Bear said...

Thanks, everyone... I did get some help, and I am more stable right now.

Thanks for leaving your comments, and for being there for me.

Polar Bear

Anonymous said...

Im sorry Polar. I could have sworn I left you a message, Im sure I did, cause I remember reading it. Maybe it was somehow erased, did you ever see it?
Well, Im glad things are better now.Glad your o.k.

Take good care