Friday, July 29, 2005

The waiting game (before the rejection)

Remember the time when as a child, you got that F on your report card, and you knew it was a matter of time before your parents found out and THEN you would REALLY be in trouble? Remember how you felt? Scared, upset, sad, all at once? Remember knowing in your little heart that it was going to come down HARD on you, and you would be so sad, because it made you feel so much like the failure you ALREADY knew you were?

Yet still, you simply waited…. and waited…. hoping maybe no one will find out. Maybe the report card got lost in the mail… Maybe you could forge your parents’ signature….

Denial is such an interesting concept. I could easily spend the rest of my life studying it.

But you could deny only as long as it took for your parents to open that piece of mail. And you suffered the consequences. The blow to the head? The trashing with that piece of cane? The silent treatment for the next few weeks? The ugly stare that told you you were nothing but a miserable piece of crap?

Yeah – you just waited. Until it came down on you. The blow to the head…. and that hurt so badly you couldn’t help the tears rolling down your face. But that wasn’t the worst part, was it? No, it wasn’t. You could have happily stood there in the rain of blows, until you bled freely.

What was the worst part? Do you remember? The worst part was knowing that you are a failure, and getting that confirmation in your parents’ eyes.

8 comments:

James said...

Yes It scars deeply.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. Especially the ugly looks and the blows to the head. Which isnt a very smart thing for a parent to do, its very dangerous.
Im sorry for the abuse you suffered. I cant believe you got a blow to the head for bad grades. Forget the bad grades, lucky for her you didnt end up with brain damage.
But I know how painful those thoughts are, it does scar very deeply. And Im so sorry, I hope therapy will help you get through this. Please take care.

Billy

V said...

How parents could do that and not punnish themselves is a wonder.

I'm sorry for the abuse you had to deal with.

It takes only a second to give a blow to the head, but the pain carries on and on.

The Mass Defective said...

I remember that waiting game and the look of confirmation that I was a failure. {{{{polar}}}} I'm sorry you had to experience it too. Take care of you!

xxan said...

If you had such parents, I am very sorry for you, Polar. Because it is scandalous to treat your child like that. I guess, I am lucky, I was (almost) never treated like that.

I can imagine it leaves scars ...

(((Take care)))

Xxan

HeyJules said...

I don't think what you had could be called parents.

Abusers? Intimidators? Monsters?

Pick one from that list next time because PARENTS are not what you had.

And to think I didn't have children because I wasn't sure I'd be a good parent. Holy crap.

Polar Bear said...

James
((((((James)))))

Billy
Well, grades were very important in my family. Both my parents are teachers.

V
I think they had good intentions. They assumed fear and pain would motivate me to study harder. Unfortunately I didn't work that way.

Sid
Knowing inside how you have failed hurts. It always hurts... But I don't think you are a failure, Sid. I think you're doing as well as you can given the circumstances.

Xxan
I'm glad you escaped those things as a child. Yes, I suppose it does leave scars...

Jules
I would never be a parent myself. I knew that even as a child. I could never be a good parent. I don't know how to be.

Polar Bear

Aqua said...

I am sorry to hear you had to go through all the physical abuse. I agree though that the mental pain, anguish and guilt created by scenarios such as you describe is at least as torturous, and definately longer lasting, than the physical pain could ever be. Been there and still feeling the effects. Please take care of you.