Friday, July 08, 2005

Weekend ahead

Weekend ahead again. When I think of last weekend, I almost want to reach back into that black hole.... that place where there is no pain....

But I went to see V yesterday, and when she asked me what I was willing to try this weekend, I said, I'd be willing to be conscious. It was hard talking about last weekend, but V listened, and more importantly, understood. I know I could have done better, after all she'd taught me, I should know better how to put the skills in place.... And yet V didn't condemn me for slipping up. It makes me really want to do better next time.

Work will be busy for a while, for which I am grateful. Project A was finally approved and handed to me today. I don't expect it to take more than a few days, but with the staff conference next week, I probably won't finish it till the end of next week.

I'm trying not to think too much this weekend. I'll take things as they come. V and I talked a bit about a few things I've put together as a plan - to go out for a walk, or a run. Maybe pick up a book at the library and do a bit of reading. Watch that Lost episode (season finale) I missed because I fell asleep...

Inside, it's been quiet. As if last week's events have shocked me into a kind of reflective silence. Do I really want to live this way? No. No, definately not. I said as much, to V. I made sure she knew I was committed to change, despite my failures along the way. And if she didn't give up on me, then I will have something to keep coming back to.

I hope I don't mess this up.


borderline savvy said...

You sound so much better than you did last weekend, so much more willing to try healthy things, and more of a commitment to changing the aweful way things were.

V is a gem. Good plans for the weekend. Tell me what you think of LOST.

Being shocked into a reflective silence can be a very good thing, a very healthy thing. I hope all goes well with you. Have a good weekend.

Anonymous said...

Im glad your feeling so much better. It helps to be able to clear your mind. Just consentrate on getting better o.k?

Take care

Polar Bear said...

Yes, it feels like a better weekend. And I am committed to changing...

Thanks Billy. I will.

Polar Bear

James said...

Happy that you are feeling a little better. Taking a walk is a good thing. I should do it more too. I just get paranoid that I'll run into someone I know and that I'll have to talk to them. Eek.

disso_k said...

Good to see that you are feeling a little better. Hope the weekend went okay and that this coming week continues to brighten.

V said...

Hi Polar.
I'm glad that things are britgter and I hope you've had a good weekend.

Polar Bear said...

Yes, it's hard not to run into people you know when you live in small town, but there are places you can go to where there isn't a lot of people. My running route is generally pretty deserted.

Thanks, it's just the start of the week but it looks busy for me, so hopefully it will go by quickly.

Thanks, V. Weekend was alright.

butterflies said...

Good on You girlfriend.You feel more positive and focased. Glad your jobs going well.You brighten my day sweetie:)

The Mass Defective said...

Polar, I hope you're still doing better. I'm a little behind on posts, so sorry I didn't reply when it probably would have been more supportive.

I hope work keeps your mind occupied but not so busy your nerves are getting frazzled. Please take care of yourself.

Polar Bear said...


Hope you're ok too. Miss your posts.