Friday, July 01, 2005

Worthless reject

Another door closes. And I’m left alone in this airless vacuum. People walking away, having saved me, having given empty promises. They all walk away in the end...

Hope is such a fragile thing. Such an easy thing to fall desperately in love with, only to have that devotion shattered into millions of pieces.

Hope is so cruel. Hope is so unjust. And yet, I fall for it every single time. I’m such a fool.

I’m nothing but a worthless piece of crap. I should have known better. I should have known better. I should never have ventured out with such an open heart, knowing so well it left me vulnerable. To love something, to want something, to need it so much that it obliterated everything else.

You open your heart, and the world will rip it out of your chest. You open your mind, and it will break you down.

I haven't cried in a long time. I'm not about to start now.

I don’t want to be conscious anymore.


borderline savvy said...

You're not worthless. You matter to me, to C, to V, to your brother... You're not a worthless piece of crap. Being in the world, being a part of the world, means that we are going to get hurt. But there is joy, too. The joy of going for a run in the rain and splashing through the puddles. The joy of a good cup of coffee. The joy of polar bears.

Don't choose to end it all because of a job. You are too valuable to me. I would be ripped apart.

As far as hope goes, in Buddhism we would look at it differently, not hoping for things, and likewise not despairing for things. Staying in the middle way where there is peace. I'm sure your beliefs don't condone the taking of any life.

Go to the hospital, call the crisis team, call C, call your pdoc. Exhaust your resources. But not pills, no car, no parking garage, nor anything else.

Please gmail me. Or try to see if I'm on MSN. I'm trying to help. If I don't help, I'll blame myself, and then we start another round of suicidal thinking, this time with a new person. Stop the cycle.

Take good care of my very most favorite bear!

Great big hugs,

Anonymous said...

I know everything your feeling.I really do. I dont know why everything falls apart,maybe because we expected to,I dont know.

But I do know that your not a wortless piece of crap. You have a beautiful soul, we can see it in your words.
Please dont feel that way about yourself.

Please take care of yourself.
Your not alone.

The Mass Defective said...

Hope is a fragile thing, but please try and hold onto it. Use it to help guide you to a better, safer place because I know you're hurting right now. Reach out to someone to help you. Call your t, pdoc or go to the hospital. So many of us care about and are worried about you. Please take care of yourself.

V said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
V said...

Made some errors previously so I had to delete the last comment.

But I was saying:

I always feel that the world tries in so many ways to make me feel just the way you described in your post. But I always pick myself up from it and show the world that it has not won in totally defeating me and knocking me down.

I always get up for another round of boxing match with the world.

Take care, my friend and don't think yourself a fool in falling for hope.

Anonymous said...

Is everything o.k Polar? We havnt heard from you in while. Im starting to get a little worried.
I hope your feeling better, and I hope we hear from you soon.
Take care of yourself o.k?


butterflies said...

Go back to the doctor! Maybe its the meds making you feel suicidal.
I hate you saying your worthless..I dont like you saying that hope is bad.
Its not true! Your worth living! we all are.Dont kill yourself.Its not your right to do that. God will take you home in His own time.Realise you are loved and we all care about you.