Friday, August 26, 2005

Digging deep

Some days you have to do what it takes, you have to dig deep inside for courage you’ve kept hidden and forgotten behind dusty shelves. You have to find that little bit of something to keep yourself from hurting yourself.

You hear that voice seeming to come over the loud speaker, magnified a thousand times in your head – why not? Why not give in to that overwhelming urge to bleed yourself dry? Take a handful of pills and go into that semi-death state for a couple of days. Why not? God knows I deserve a break.

I know the answer. I know why. I’ve heard it many times before, not in that magnified voice, but in a softer, gentler tone, very similar to V’s voice.

I don’t want to give in because in the grand scheme of things, I know this is a dysfunctional way of coping. I know there are better ways to cope. I know I have to put in the effort because these things, these “better” ways, are new to me. And I know that every time I put these new skills to work, it will become easier.

Some days, you have to do what it takes…. dig deep for that something….

Today is such a day.


JC said...

Congratulations on digging deep. You should be very proud of yourself. If you make it through the day, then in the morning you should do something to reward yourself. Instead of tracking how many days this year you have given in to the urge, instead track and celebrate all of those days that you haven't. Good on you!

Vixen said...

I'm also glad to hear that you're learning to cope!

Yuki said...

Good for you in the midst of that overwhelming urge, you choose a better way!! You did well! I agree! Celebrate! I'm very proud of you!

HeyJules said...

Bear, I"m so happy to see you're looking forward in your life. As long as that is the case, you are safe and I don't have to worry about you as much. Keep are obviously on the right track.

xxan said...

Hi dear Polar, how are you? I am so sorry, I can't even read your today's post. I have to run, can't let my animals starve ... ...

But hey, thankyou for your comment on the Lynn Bradley book : "Whoever published the book should be shot." I agree, but would add this: "the one who wrote it should be shot first". Then the publisher too.

All the best for you, and see you soon, love,

borderline savvy said...

You're a good role model for me right now, with all my dysfunctional ways of coping.

It's obvious that you, with maybe some of V's help, have grown tremendously to be able to bypass those urges for healthier behavior.

Congratulations on your courage!

Big hugs,

Polar Bear said...

Thanks, everyone, for all your encourgament and cheerleading.

Some days are tougher than others. But I'm hanging in there.

Polar Bear aka "bear"