Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Nine years on

I've been looking through some old stuff again. And discovered this dated entry:

sometimes it feels as though i am nothing but an amorphous mass which transforms itself with every shape as though i am disguised as the world, and the world is me.
as if i am of no substance. as if i am dead to everything.

i tried to look back to who i used to be. i tried to know who i tried to be. there were no answers everywhere i looked.
i tried to be everything for the world yet nothing for myself. i tried too hard and when i failed, i lost disgracefully.
i was secretly breeding anger and hate and rage. and one day when i looked again, i discovered an emptiness within which even the rage and hate cannot fill. and as more time went by, it ate away all my dreams and hopes and happiness and i found myself no longer able to sustain the will to survive and so i died.
inside. dead. burned to ashes.
June 1996

Nine years ago now, and I still remember the intensity of those emotions. Nine years on, and I still feel like an amorphous mass, adapting where I can, playing chameleon.

Nine years on, am I still breeding anger and hate and rage? No, I don't think so. So much of the passion has gone out of me. So much of the energy, gone.

But the emptiness, that's still there, and yes, with more time it continues to eat away at my dreams and hopes and happiness. I don't know if I am able to sustain this life any further.

Nine years from now, who would I be?


The Mass Defective said...

That is a powerful post that really hits home...particularly the "...secretly breeding anger and hate and rage. one day when i looked again, i discovered an emptiness within which even the rage and hate cannot fill".

I hope that within the next 9 yrs you are able to fill the emptiness with peace and contentment. I hope we all get to a point where we can actually take notice and enjoy the positive side of life. Please take care.

disso_k said...

Polar, I wish I could return some of the kind and wise words you have left as comments on my blog. I don't write as well as you do unfortunately. What I can say is when I look at the things you write, I don't see complete emptiness. The part of you I see is an incredibly kind and thoughtful person. It is aweful to feel complete emptiness, to have your hopes and dreams shattered, but please be assured that your light still shines, even if it seems a little dim at the moment. Take care of you, okay!

Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

The line, "...I discovered an emptiness within which even the rage and hate cannot fill," was really moving. Is it like the rage and anger become so horrible that the only viable solution was to accept this emptiness? I think I got to a place similar when I was 15. When I just couldn't take the hurt, pain, anger and rage so I shut it all off. The blandness of invisibility, deadness and avoidance was a better price to pay then the anger, pain and other explosive things. (to be continued.)

Yuki said...

I definitely think you can get past this feeling of emptiness and build a life of peace and joy. It may be a lot of hard work and hurt. But you can definitely overcome this thing. You're tougher than it! The hard and painful work of therapy, I find is always easier than the hell we've been in! At least it has benefits and rewards in the end. All the best and you will get better!!!

Geisha_Girl said...

Much of my life has been consumed by anger and intensity of one kind or another, so I can identify with where you've been, Polar.

:-)) Jane