Words are hard to come by some days. I sit here with various thoughts flitting through my head, landing lightly here and there, and just before I can grasp it, it slips away again.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months in a self imposed prison. Slowly but surely closing within, sealing up the tiny cracks that lead outside. I haven’t gone to spend time with C. I haven’t made the effort to connect, because connecting takes so much out of me, and recently it feels like I hardly have enough to keep myself going.
It’s not entirely obvious, but yes, there is a pattern of hiding from the world whenever I get the chance. My attendance at the meetings are no longer as regular as they should be, or how they used to be. It’s not that I am less devoted. I just feel like the time I need to “recover” from contact is increasing all the time. And the more I am locked away, the less I feel like the world outside has anything to offer me.
The work environment seems to be constantly shifting for me. Finding my place and constructing my identity seems such a struggle. On Monday it was finally announced that Mark’s replacement has been confirmed and he will start next Monday. The reality of having to cope with a new guy was just a bit hard for me to accept. It’s hard to explain, and I’m probably putting it rather crudely, but how do you replace a beloved pet who passes away with a new one? It’s just not the same, is it? Some people just don’t do it.
Besides, I’ve had enough of changes, the constantly shifting sands around where I am standing. I’m finding myself feeling scared and lost, with nothing really solid to hold onto. I feel like I just want to get off this roller coaster ride of emotions and be done with it.