Thursday, August 25, 2005

Shifting sands

Words are hard to come by some days. I sit here with various thoughts flitting through my head, landing lightly here and there, and just before I can grasp it, it slips away again.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months in a self imposed prison. Slowly but surely closing within, sealing up the tiny cracks that lead outside. I haven’t gone to spend time with C. I haven’t made the effort to connect, because connecting takes so much out of me, and recently it feels like I hardly have enough to keep myself going.

It’s not entirely obvious, but yes, there is a pattern of hiding from the world whenever I get the chance. My attendance at the meetings are no longer as regular as they should be, or how they used to be. It’s not that I am less devoted. I just feel like the time I need to “recover” from contact is increasing all the time. And the more I am locked away, the less I feel like the world outside has anything to offer me.

The work environment seems to be constantly shifting for me. Finding my place and constructing my identity seems such a struggle. On Monday it was finally announced that Mark’s replacement has been confirmed and he will start next Monday. The reality of having to cope with a new guy was just a bit hard for me to accept. It’s hard to explain, and I’m probably putting it rather crudely, but how do you replace a beloved pet who passes away with a new one? It’s just not the same, is it? Some people just don’t do it.

Besides, I’ve had enough of changes, the constantly shifting sands around where I am standing. I’m finding myself feeling scared and lost, with nothing really solid to hold onto. I feel like I just want to get off this roller coaster ride of emotions and be done with it.


The Mass Defective said...

I understand the recovery from contact you mentioned. But it is far more harmful to shut yourself away from everyone. So here's my suggestion. Go to a very public place at a busy time. The airport, a train station, a mall, something along those lines. Find a comfy spot to sit and people watch. Pick random people out of the crowd and picture them doing something that totally seems out of character for them, just based on their appearance. Like a little old lady listening to rap music and trying to dance. Silly things like that.

I know it sounds weird and probably a bit juvenile, but this little trick has helped me lift my spirits several times and allows me to feel a connection to the world around me without needing to recover from the contact.

Hope you'll consider giving it a try. But even if you don't, please try and take care of you!!

Vixen said...

Like sid, I can understand the problems with dealing with tough times. Currently I am dealing with a similar situation. I have to take an ex-boyfriend to court because he won't stop following me. The first day in court left me shaky and very unsure of myself. I hate having to face him again next week. However, there are ways I deal with my problems. One of the best ways is to find something to do that usually makes you happy or take up a new hobby/activity. My new activity, which I hope will become a job is bartending, and I love it!

Polar Bear said...

Thanks for the suggestion, Sid. It's something I do sometimes when I actually get the energy to go out. It's just easier to stay home sometimes.

I'd love to have a drink made by you! I think that might help me some...


sansanity said...

... constructing my identity seems such a struggle.

damn i understand that.

Geisha_Girl said...

Polar, I understand how you're feeling.

It's a struggle to make myself go to the post office or shops and when I have lately, I get home and crash,

What Sid said about public places is interesting. Today I did notice the people around me and noticing them going about their activities somehow lifted my spirits.

Watching those people I knew that the darkness came from within and, for some reason, it made it easier on me.

Guess because it reminded me that things aren't as bad as I think "out there".

:-)) Jane