Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Struggling

Outside, the grey winter gloom seems to have given way to bright blue skies amidst the brilliant rays of the sun. And yet inside, I feel as if the dark heavy clouds are only starting to gather. I don’t forecast any rain, but I feel like bursting at any given moment.

I feel as if weights have been attached to both my legs, and when I try to walk, I am dragging each feet on my knees.

I think there were times when I was younger, I would go out and commit random acts of madness. Just so I would feel something else. So I could release the pain inside, even if it meant I had to self destruct. I had no fear of consequences. I suffered the consequences like a badge of honour. Wore it on my chest like a marked psych inmate.

Now, all my energy seeps back into the ground, leaving me crawling through the mud and filth, like some wretched, dying animal.

10 comments:

Aqua said...

Hi Polar Bear,
Sorry you are feeling so crumby. I don't know what to say except I hope you feel better tomorrow. I really believe that if you are managing to avoid self injury (if that is what you are refering to when you talk of "releasing the pain")that's a huge step in the right direction. Take care

James said...

I understand. I use to be able to release my energy as a kid by running around mad. Then as a young adult I would go to the club and dance till I nearly dropped. Now, however, I feel the weights around my ankles too. The numb blanket of heavy medication. Is this what our lives have become? Is this the best we can hope for? Grey numbness?? I guess so. Anyway, I'm always here and listening sweetie. xoxoxo

Geisha_Girl said...

Hey Polar ...

Hang in there ... you're not alone.

I've got the dragging feet happening too.

But it *does* get better ... we just need to ride it out when it's bad.

Jane :-))

JC said...

I am sorry that you are having a bad time right now. Grab any positive thought that you can and hang on to it! Get some sun today and go for a walk and do something fun, even if it doesn't feel fun right this minute. Call someone and talk some of this out. I am sorry, because I know all of that sounds a lot easier said than done, but you have to do what you can and you have to fight this. I often say that if we had cancer our attitude would be that we are going to fight this thing, well this is just as life threatening. Hang in there and keep blogging it out.

Anonymous said...

You can take such saddness and make it sound so pretty.
Please hang in there.

Billy

The Mass Defective said...

I like that phrase "random acts of madness". I've committed quite a few of those myself over the years.
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Please try to keep yourself safe. Hope you have a good weekend. Maybe get out and do something, go to the library or get some exercise. Take care of you!

Sandy said...

Hey sweet Polar B,

Just wanted to let you know I'm out here and reading...and sending you some love and a hug. I really appreciate so much how you've been there for me over the last couple of months...never underestimate the effect you have on others when you share yourself. When your life feels meaningless, remember that, ok? Lots of love... - S

borderline savvy said...

I hope by now the DBT skills have helped with the SH urges. DBT can be very effective if we let it be.

Take advantage of the sun and run and swim!

I, too, can relate to the "random acts of madness." Just hang in there; hold tight. This too will pass.

Know that you are doing a great job and are growing so much. I'm so glad that V is there for you.

Hugs,
Suzanne

Polar Bear said...

Aqua
Thanks. Yes, I have managed to avoid self injury, so it's a small step in progress, I guess.

James
I hope this is not the best we can hope for. Because if it is, there is nothing else to live for...

Jane
Does it get better? I guess I still hope so.

JC
Thanks. Yes, I think finding someone to talk this out is helpful. That's what I did before the weekend - I talked to my therapist, and she's been very helpful.

Billy
Thanks, Billy, for being there.

Sid
It's a struggle... but I'll try to keep myself safe. So you have to, too.

Sandy
Feel much better after the love and hug from ya!

Suzanne
Thanks for reminding me of the DBT skills, Suzanne. And yes, V has been there for me and been very helpful.

Polar Bear

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