Today’s session with V was emotionally draining. We talked about emotions – we’ve been talking about emotions and emotional myths for a while now. It feels like such unfamiliar and dangerous territory. I guess I don’t allow myself to feel much, and when caught in an intense moment, I then frantically try to dump the feeling as quickly as I can. Sometimes dysfunctionally, and sometimes more skilfully. But that’s a crap shoot for now.
I told V that I felt that all those times I dealt with situations skilfully were for her. I wasn’t doing it for me, so much as I did it because I know she doesn’t want me cut/OD/act out, and so I try something different. I guess I’m afraid that once she’s gone, for whatever reason, I won’t have a reason to be functional anymore. She said that was ok for now. But that eventually, she believed I would do it more for myself. That was our goal, anyway. It made me feel a bit better, hearing that. For how long, I don’t know. We just don’t have such guarantees in life.
I guess I can accept that.
As an example for how thought processes actually affects our behaviour, we looked at the time I jumped off the building last year. It’s hard to review those thoughts and feelings I had at that moment. I still don’t know if I would have reacted differently if the same events happened all over again. I can sort of see how my thoughts had led me inevitably down that path of self destruction. I can still almost taste the desperation and panic I felt at that time. God, it still hurts….. But as far as being able to process the events more skilfully so that I held off from succumbing to my impulse, well, I think maybe I am more able to do that today than I was a year ago…. At least I like to think that.
Does that mean DBT is making a difference to my life?
I like to think so….. Well, at least I hope so.