Monday, August 29, 2005

You can run, but you can't hide

Friday – I came close to quitting my job. The rational part of my brain would never allow this, of course. But I actually contemplated quitting, which really says something. Maybe a part of it was my unwillingness to accept this new guy, and maybe part of it was that I was feeling a bit down and so I felt really insecure about my position at work. There is unavoidable disruption to the equilibrium when someone new becomes a part of the “team”. There’s no running away from that. I just don’t quite “connect” with why it unsettled me so much. It just did.

The weekend came as a relief. A respite from all that anxiety and tension which seemed to originate with work and the work environment. On Saturday I went for an hour long run by the river again, an out-and-back route as usual. It’s time to get a new pair of running shoes, I believe. I’ve been getting huge blisters on both feet. My current Nikes are around 5 years old, and considering the high mileage it has logged in, I believe it’s way past its use-by date.

So many disappointments recently. Emotionally, I’ve been shutting down. Trying hard not to think because every thought is like a thorn in my flesh, and every time it makes itself known, it digs itself deeper, until I want to tear open the wounds and bleed myself dry.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello Polar,
I wanted to see how your doing. I miss you guys. Im sorry things arent so good, hopfully things will get better.
I miss reading your blogs, and having someone to talk to. I have a blog at the poetry forum, but nobody there hardly uses the blogs, and besides, I cant talk about certain things with them, they wouldnt understand. We just mostly talk about poetry over there.
But I just needed to know how your doing. This has been very hard, not being able to talk to you.
I just wanted you to know Im still thinking about you. Ill see ya. Bye.

Take care,
Billy

The Mass Defective said...

I understand how difficult it can be to adjust to someone new in a place that was once occupied by someone you care about. Just do your best to muddle thru with the new guy. Maybe in time you will connect with him. I'm sure he's feeling a bit uncomfortable as the new person.

I'm glad the weekend was a relief to you since it always seems to be a time when you start heading downwards. I think it's important to keep yourself distracted with the running and stuff. Take care of you!

Etoile Tyler said...

I can identify so much with what you're saying. Things just start to pile up sometimes... I've been having what my therapist likes to call "suicidal ideologies" lately. I think about hurting myself a lot, even though I have no real motivation to follow through.

Hang in there, and email me anytime you want.

(archangel131313 at hotmail)

James said...

I have faced some serious defeats lately too. I am tired of always having to climb uphill. God it gets tireing doesn't it.