Friday, September 23, 2005

The old and the new

Got back yesterday after a 3 day conference in capital city. It was nice to be away for a few days, away from the usual grind of work and routine. And yet it was hard. Hard to be back in the city I used to love and now find so hard to be in. Certain places still reverberates with memories, tainted with the shame I called upon myself. I even ran into an ex colleague as I was returning to the conference site after lunch on Wednesday. He looked straight at me even as my heart leaped into my throat. He said hi. I smiled and nodded. We both kept walking past each other. The entire encounter lasted maybe 3 seconds, but it was enough to jolt me. Enough to send all sorts of emotions rushing through me. I couldn’t ever live there again in my life.

On Monday I officially gave notice and today, I officially signed my new contract. If there were any lingering doubts, it’s all gone now. I’ve chosen the path, and this is the one I will take. I’m scared. Maybe even terrified. While I look forward to the closing of one chapter of my life and look forward to a new fresh page, I am afraid of what the new will bring, what it will mean to me.

9 comments:

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The Mass Defective said...

Polar,

It's good to see you post again! Was getting worried about you. I wish you all the best as you transition to your new job. I hope this is one of the best chapters in your life.

Take care,
Sid

James said...

I hate living in the same town that I grew up in. I constantly see people from my "old life" that I just do not want to talk to.

Best of luck with the new changes.

Yuki said...

Congratulations on your new job! I hope this new chapter in your life is a positive one! I see a real change in you. I know you'll do great! Maybe it'll be a great fresh start for you!

disso_k said...

Congratulations on signing your new contract, Polar. I can certainly understand the fear associated with starting a new job. Best wishes.

JC said...

I think that you have to follow your gut. If your gut says that you cant live there anymore, then go. The great thing about a new city is that folks only know what you want to tell them about yourself.

Radin said...

Congratulations with the new job. Wish you success. The feeling towards the new job and place is normal. Everything will hopefully fall into place and you will settle. Step by step.

Geisha_Girl said...

Hey Polar

Know that "shame" that attaches to a town and a former "incarnation".

But my guess is that this may be the inner critic that's gone haywire and that the associated loss of face experiences aren't quite as bad as they seem internally.

:-)) Jane