Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Exploring caves

Sometimes it seems to me that I am living in this dark cavern where everything that surrounds me is fraught with darkness and danger. I’ve explored a few caves to know that there are always alternative routes that lead to the same place, and then there are passages that will lead to nowhere, a dead end. And you often have to find your way back the way you came.

Sometimes you have to crawl your way through, and it feels as though you can’t breathe because the space is so confined. Sometimes the caverns are flooded and you have to be prepared to swim…. otherwise you will drown.

There are the holes that will drop you into oblivion, so you have to watch your step all the time, paying attention not only to where you are going, but where you have come from because you never know when you will need to double back.

It’s easy enough to get lost, and if you turn off your source of light, it is easy to sink into despair, because you can see nothing, not even your own hand in front of your face. The darkness is absolute.

For me, therapy is the light. And V is like the light that shines my way and guides me away from the dangerous pitfalls within my own dark cave. Sometimes I still stumble and fall because I choose to ignore the light and make my own way. Sometimes I think I know the way. But I don’t, really.

Other times, I shut out the light deliberately because it hurts my eyes, and I prefer to sit in the darkness and feel sorry for myself. That’s always too easy to do – and to wander deeper into the cavern and hope to fall into that pit of oblivion. And that’s because it is hard to imagine a time when I will ever find my way out, towards the light of day, where there is no darkness but constant sunlight from the deep blue sky. It’s hard to imagine a place where warm winds caress your face, and the air is not stale and cold.

The silence always gets me. You hear nothing at all. In all that pitch blackness, you hear nothing, and sometimes not even your own breath, because you are holding it, for the fear in your own mind.

It’s hard when you are not born from the Above, but rather from Below. It’s hard when all you’ve ever known are the long passages of darkness and the wet, cold air. Sometimes it’s even hard to imagine that the Above exists. If you’ve never known it, and you’ve never seen it, does it mean it could possibly not exist at all?

This big heavy feeling inside,… what could it be? If I have never known it, how could I miss it?

(Photo taken in Ngarua Caves, Marble Mountain, Nelson region, South Island, NZ)


Yuki said...

I like the pictures you've taken. They're really cool. I'm glad you could get away for a real vacation! Sounds so nice!! My hubby really, really wants to visit New Zealand, esp. where they filmed LOR.

The caves look scary. I'm too scared to actually go cave splunking. If you feel you live in a cave, you must be more brave, more hearty, more fit and more able than a lot of those who live in the sunshine and in the warm breeze. If you can survive in the caves you can soar in the sun.

Aditi M. said...

Hey! Thanks for the encouragement about the marathon. I was thinking about the half marathon in summer 06 so beware cause I might just pick your brains about training and stuff! As you might have read, I'm heading out till december so we will talk about training and stuff then. Thanks again for all your tips and quotes. I would LOVE to do a triathalon, but i can't swin :-/ But if I get to a point where i am determined, then i'm sure i could learn! Anyway, thanks again and u've gotawesome pics on your blog!!

Geisha_Girl said...


I've a dark place something like that where I get lost -- and I feel that I'm probably more of the "underworld" than whatever is beyond the dark cave.

I thought I'd found my "light" -- but he was as lost as I am.

As for:

"If you’ve never known it, and you’ve never seen it, does it mean it could possibly not exist at all?"

I often ask myself if this is all there is and if maybe it's really just the same for most of us.


The Mass Defective said...

That picture of the cave is kind of creepy. Some of those formations look like skeleton fingers. You've made some great cross over references from being in the cave to the life you're living. I'm glad you have V as your light. Try to stay focused on it. Take care!

disso_k said...

I'm almost speechless. This is an amazing analogy you've drawn here, Polar. Here's to the light and that it actually exists. Take care.

James said...

I agree with disso. Great analogy that really hit a spot in me. I totally feel like I am in a cave too.

Maybe a lot of us are in the same cave and our blogging about it is like yelling out each other's name in the cave to help each other know we are not alone.

butterflies said...

I love the pic and am so happy to hear that you are growing towards the light.Darkness is good too as it can envelope us and we can hide but its good to have options and to be able to go back and forth.
take care Hon.

Vixen said...

I know what the despair is like that you feel. I have been dealing with a lot of that in the last while. I'm glad that you're doing ok, and that therapy is helping you.