Sitting in the sun with a cup of coffee in hand. It's been the second week we've been able to sit outside during the break. And it was our second Group (DBT) today. Most people smoke, and together with the lingering smell of cigarettes and the aimless hanging out together where nothing is said, or if anything was said, it was about a struggle, difficulty of some sort,.....reminds me of the times I spent on the inside of a locked unit.
There's nothing sentimental about those times... and yet I feel my heart shift in a way, as if remembering something important.
The urge to flee was probably stronger last week. But I felt it too this week. There’s something about sitting there and listening to words like “Borderline personality”, and discussing things like “overwhelming emotions”, “shut down” and “mindfulness” and “feelings”, that trigger an almost violent reactive reflex in me. It makes me feel like lashing out and screaming at the top of my lungs that those things are all UNTRUE, in a sheer demonstration of denial. It makes me want to run and run so I can leave all those words far behind me.
There’s nothing wrong with shutting down if it saves you the heartache of breaking down, or of loss and rejection. I rather not love at all, if love could even hint of stealing away a piece of my soul.
V was right. I’ve been too afraid to try…… Holding onto my fears, as if they were a life preserver, when in reality it was slowly killing me.
I’ve been too afraid to live.