Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's not me. Only crazy people do that.

Sitting in the sun with a cup of coffee in hand. It's been the second week we've been able to sit outside during the break. And it was our second Group (DBT) today. Most people smoke, and together with the lingering smell of cigarettes and the aimless hanging out together where nothing is said, or if anything was said, it was about a struggle, difficulty of some sort,.....reminds me of the times I spent on the inside of a locked unit.

There's nothing sentimental about those times... and yet I feel my heart shift in a way, as if remembering something important.

The urge to flee was probably stronger last week. But I felt it too this week. There’s something about sitting there and listening to words like “Borderline personality”, and discussing things like “overwhelming emotions”, “shut down” and “mindfulness” and “feelings”, that trigger an almost violent reactive reflex in me. It makes me feel like lashing out and screaming at the top of my lungs that those things are all UNTRUE, in a sheer demonstration of denial. It makes me want to run and run so I can leave all those words far behind me.

There’s nothing wrong with shutting down if it saves you the heartache of breaking down, or of loss and rejection. I rather not love at all, if love could even hint of stealing away a piece of my soul.

V was right. I’ve been too afraid to try…… Holding onto my fears, as if they were a life preserver, when in reality it was slowly killing me.

I’ve been too afraid to live.

10 comments:

Aditi M. said...

Hey...thanks a lot for your encouragement! Its always nice to get in touch with fellow runners. My goal is to run a marathon in november 2006. I ran my first 5K last month and it was a great feeling! If you got any tips, lemme know! thanks again!

The Mass Defective said...

I can really relate to being too afraid to live. Sounds like V is a smart cookie, wish my t were as good. Since I was in the hospital I missed the start of DBT, now I'm supposed to begin in December. Lemme know how it goes for you, whether it seems worth it or not.
Take care!
Sid

Marie said...

a year ago i went through a partial hospitalization program-and-in the beginning i had exactly the same feelings--in fact i still gets a bit tense when i hear the words 'mindfulness' and 'it just is'

i really didn't think any of it was very helpful until one day i was in a situation and it didn't throw me quite as much as it should have--it was then that i realized that without consciously thinking about it i had applied some of the 'techniques' i was taught

not to say i don't still struggle--in fact i do alot--but--i know in someways it has helped-and i know a few people who it has worked tremendously for-i hope it does the same for you

keep trying...
marie

Geisha_Girl said...

Not really sure what you're going through, but I think can relate to denial.

Right now I feel like brushing away the entire "borderline" thing as a fair bit of what I've come across online in respect of views on BPD is offensive to me.

Good luck with the DBT.

Jane

Anonymous said...

Polar Bear,
You are doing fine. Give yourself time to adjust to DBT, to being in a group, to hearing and receiving and giving feedback. There is so much going on when you first start DBT.

You'll get adjusted to the group, just as they will get adjusted to you. Be generous with yourself and give yourself the time you need to adjust to the group. And how you participate will be unique to you.

Feeling like shouting in denial is all very normal, too. So be gentle to yourself as you adapt. There's no right way and no wrong way to DBT. It just gives tools for coping. And remember the mindfulness practices can be done alone and not in group if it bothers you. It is probably much more helpful for you to do them on your own, anyway.

You're doing better than you give yourself credit for.

Big hugs,
Suzanne

Ron_F said...

I have not been to any group meetings, so I don't know, but I think it would be very uncomfortable for me. My initial reaction would be to look around and think about how to solve everyone's problems ... when it would be more helpful and respectful to listen and offer support. I have found myself able to do this over the net, but in person, I don't know if I could handle that.

sansanity said...

i did group once. i sat and never said a word. until the last day as the last moments of group ticked down. i exploded and then ran out of the room.

i wish i had learned to not love sooner. too many pieces of my soul missing. and this last time i warned him. i told him that if this went how i thoguht it would that i might not have enough pieces left to keep going.

"too afraid to live"--that is so me.

Polar Bear said...

aditi,
I will, thanks.

Sid,
I hope things with Nicole will improve. It sounds like it has, from your description of your last session.

Marie,
Thanks. I will keep trying. And see where this takes me...

Ms Jane
Yes, I have found some books/written materials about BPD unhelpful. But for the most part, I think BPD is becoming better understood than it was a long time ago.

Suzanne,
Thanks, Suzanne. I hope you continue to progress as well through DBT. You can probably join another group when you finish the current one, and hopefully they will cover mindfulness more comprehensively.

ferncanyonman,
I find groups uncomfortable too. It's the first time I've ever been in the presence of other BPDs.

sansanity,
I don't say a word in group either.... In the past 2 sessions I've been battling not to jump up and run away....

Polar Bear

James said...

I have always feared group therapy because I hate big groups of people. Group therapy just seems like a big stress out session.

Galen Brannagh said...

Hang in there. You'll see and hear all kinds of people, especially ones who will use new words and diagnoses like a crutch. Nobody knows *your* pain except you and only you can deal with it. Group has its benefits, but in the end it's just you versus you.

Pax...