I'm crashing. I don't know why. I feel unsettled, lost, alone, afraid. I'm trying to reach out, and there's nothing there. I'm afraid of losing the only connection I have - the most important connection I have. I'm afraid of losing V, losing my time with her because of work.
Work has taken me a notch up. It's going to be highly stressful. I don't know if this is because it's only the first weeks, or if it is by nature this way... all the way through,...for one entire year. If it is, I doubt I can keep up. I'm running as hard as I can, but I know things are different now. I miss the people I used to work with, the friendships, the camaraderie, the positive feedback.
I don't have time for my lunch hour run. There's no convenient place to change and shower anyway. Giving up my running is another thing that is highly unsettling to me. I keep wondering what have I gotten myself into? I want to give up, quit. But what kind of person would I be to quit now? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So in a way, I am stuck. Stuck for now.
I don't have colleagues I can bounce my ideas off with. I work alone. Except not really. I work with my manager. He breathes down my neck literally. That, is the most unsettling thing of all.
If I don't settle down and find my place, I know those big guys in white coats will have to cart me off to the padded room by the end of this year.