Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Second day and it's all down hill

I'm crashing. I don't know why. I feel unsettled, lost, alone, afraid. I'm trying to reach out, and there's nothing there. I'm afraid of losing the only connection I have - the most important connection I have. I'm afraid of losing V, losing my time with her because of work.

Work has taken me a notch up. It's going to be highly stressful. I don't know if this is because it's only the first weeks, or if it is by nature this way... all the way through,...for one entire year. If it is, I doubt I can keep up. I'm running as hard as I can, but I know things are different now. I miss the people I used to work with, the friendships, the camaraderie, the positive feedback.

I don't have time for my lunch hour run. There's no convenient place to change and shower anyway. Giving up my running is another thing that is highly unsettling to me. I keep wondering what have I gotten myself into? I want to give up, quit. But what kind of person would I be to quit now? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So in a way, I am stuck. Stuck for now.

I don't have colleagues I can bounce my ideas off with. I work alone. Except not really. I work with my manager. He breathes down my neck literally. That, is the most unsettling thing of all.

If I don't settle down and find my place, I know those big guys in white coats will have to cart me off to the padded room by the end of this year.


Yuki said...

Polar Bear,

I hope it gets better. Hopefully things will settle down soon. And I hope you find a time to run still. I know that's so important to you. It sounds like they work you pretty hard. Hang in there. Hopefully it will improve soon!

Paula said...

Just found you through Jules blog. Sounds like a tough transition. Change is hard, but that doesn't mean it is bad, right? Hang in and don't get discouraged yet. I hope it gets better for you--and quick!

Geisha_Girl said...

Hey Polar,

I'd say it's just the settling in phase that's going to be hard on you, but before you know it the work will become routine and second nature to you.

See if there's a gym nearby. If you can afford it, sign up to use their facilities. That way (if it's close enough) you might still be able to go for a quick lunchtime run and get cleaned up at the gym.

:-)) Jane

James said...

I understand. I have tried so many times to work and everytime I get too stressed out to do it.

Polar Bear said...

Thanks. I hope things improve soon too.

That's true. Change doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. There's usually both good and bad, and right now I guess I'm focussing too much on just the bad, and not looking at the positive. Thanks for reminding me to do this.

Ms Jane
Yeah, I'll try.

Thanks, James. I know it's a struggle for all of us affected by mental illness.

Hugs to all.
Polar Bear