Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Springtime rain, new seasons

Springtime rain. It’s been raining on and off for 2 weeks now. It’s been cold. There’s nothing more miserable than the combination of being wet and cold. Every time it rains, I tell myself, “Get a bloody umbrella already”. And when the rain stops and the skies clear, I think to myself, “What do I need an umbrella for?” Then of course, it rains again, and I start the cycle all over again. I just don’t plan ahead very well.

I’m adjusting, I think. Still, sometimes it feels as though I have shed an old skin and am trying hard to fit into a new one. I don’t believe it gets any more comfortable until I am ready to shed this new one too.

I hear the echoes of the old me at night, tossing and turning… I just can’t seem to sleep anymore. And I wonder if I will ever go back there and reach back for that old self. Or has it served it purpose, and would it be better to move ahead and stop being sentimental and all nostalgic? See, things are never perfect until they are over, until they are a part of your past – the irretrievable past. It’s just the curse of human nature. And some people are more cursed than others.

New chapters are hard because the pages are blank. I seem to have run out of ideas. Where once, in my passion and youthful energy, I would splash the pages with vivid color and images and words. Now, the blank pages taunt me, reminding me of how it used to be, and how it is now. Maybe it’s neither good nor bad. Maybe it’s just different.


disso_k said...

Hey Polar Bear! It seems like ages since I've had the opportunity to pop over to your blog and see how you've been going with your new job. I do hope that this week is not as frantic as your first week was.

I thought it was funny to come across your writing about umbrellas. I haven't owned one for years, then today I was caught in the middle of a storm thinking how good it would be to own an umbrella at that point.

I think I can understand about the pages that were once colourful and are now blank. My book is much the same, with the colourful pages of youth filled with hope. As I aged, the pages somehow became less colourful. Now they are pretty much empty.

Anyway, I hope that things become easier for you soon. Take care.

The Mass Defective said...


I can really relate to the new chapters in life being hard. I think a lot of people can. You've made a step into a new direction by taking this job and it will be uncomfortable while you go thru the adjustment period. Maybe once you get settled into the routine, the chapters will be easier to write and shed light onto. I hope so, you deserve the best.

Take care,

butterflies said...

Maybe the colors on the pages arent as vibrant but the storyline is smoother.....and its still a wonderful tale.

sansanity said...

i haven't even finished reading your post yet but something you said struck a chord. shedding an old skin is nice but the new skin that emerges underneath is always more sensitive and easily bruised. i think that is why it is so hard to let go of our protective coat even if it is not the best for us.

sansanity said...

well as far as the rain...
i have 9 umbrellas atleast, but i never carry one. i keep one in the car and at work and by the door at home. but i can never carry one IN CASE of rain. it must be raining when i hit the exit. something in my mind will not let me ask what if beecause if i do then i have to also prepare for hurricanes,tornadoes, earthquakes, heatwaves, floods, etc.

plus sometimes it is warm rain and for a moment i can be that kid again i was running around in my bathing suit in the rain at grandma's house. just for a minute it is nice to be back there.

and sometimes the cold and wet of the rain is the only thing that reminds me i am alive. it breaks the spell of numbness.

the rest of your post is so beautiful it made me cry a bit. i think you have figured out what is going on for me too as i try to handle this new job too.

WE will persevere.

Polar Bear said...

Well, I finally got myself that umbrella over the weekend! Now it sits in my car, and I can't wait for it to rain!

Thanks Sid. It's just a matter of getting into a routine.... and I hope I can adapt to this new routine soon....


Yes, we will persevere. (And I got an umbrella, finally!)

Polar Bear